the bastard garden and the brother in law

Lighting a bonfire the Dazzer way (with petrol)

Still looking good - sadly it went out

The branches and leaves from the front garden

Another view

Yet more

The grass in the back garden before l cut it

I was at work this morning, but as it was a sunny day, l thought l would crack on when l got home and cut the grass in the back garden, so l could relax in the hammock afterwards. I was doing this (cutting the grass) when Louise and Dazzer (and her that shall not be named) called in. When l was cutting the grass, Dazzer disappeared out the front and started cutting down our bushes (which luckily, we wanted doing). All well and good, but when l finished my energy sapping chores, l got roped into hours of extra work helping him. AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

I am not used to manual work, and am not afraid to admit it, so l was cursing all afternoon. Then the FPO suggested they stay for tea! And they had the cheek to accept! I am going to have words with the FPO, and she shall experience my wrath. So, not only did Dazzer wear me out, but they ate us out of house and home as well. Then we couldn't get the bonfire/rubbish to ignite, even with petrol, so the garden looks worse than when l started. The front of the house looks like Hiroshima after the bomb, and l have cuts all over my legs. Bastards! The door will be bolted the next time they show their faces.

toodle pip

coldplay tonight

let's see if they can live up to this

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glastonbury again

Pictures are from The Guardian http://www.guardian.co.uk/

It's the worlds first middle class refugee camp. I'm glad l am working tomorrow night.

toodle pip

u2 at glastonbury

So there is meant to be some kind of action tonight by 'Art Uncut, the offshoot of the anti-tax avoidance protest franchise UK Uncut which has succeeded in closing down dozens of banks and high-street stores in recent months' to protest at U2 and their tax avoidance. Obviously l may look very foolish tomorrow, but l predict nothing will happen, it's just a lot of hype and publicity, which will turn out to be nonsense.

Amazingly enough, l have been known to be wrong about stuff in the past, but not this time.

I also predict Bono will get soaked like in the photo above. It is summer time, after all, what more do you expect?

Trust me on this, l'm a doctor.

toodle pip

paul weller at pretty green

Paul Weller has designed some stuff for Liam Gallagher's Pretty Green label, which probably worked out well for both of them (more here http://www.prettygreen.com/paulweller/?dm_i=GQR,GK1A,3VTB5K,1CJRX,1&siteID=TnL5HPStwNw-Oyj8yRri8BhBD3mHJ28xtg). Liam worships Weller, and being involved with this, Weller can still think of himself as a style icon.

Well l have news for Mr Weller, the clothes are overpriced and look crap. If he is taking the piss, good luck to him, but l can't believe he thinks lads are going to shell out and wear this stuff.

On second thoughts, what am l thinking? Of course lads will shell out for it, because it will be 'trendy'. Weller could have put anything on the shelves with his and Liam's name on and it would still sell.

But for how long l wonder.....The emperors new clothes and all of that malarky. Still, if there's money to be made from sycophantic sheep, crack on.

I actually do like the Pretty Green t-shirts, but l don't think they are worth the money. Then again, what do l know, l'm only an old stinking hippie.

toodle pip

lord buckley the hipster

Amongst the stuff I have been listening to during the last few days is Lord Buckley's album Hipsters, Flipsters and Finger Poppin' Daddies Knock Me Your Lobes which contains an updated and hip (at the time) version of Mark Antony's speech after the death of Julius Caesar. It's really dated but still very clever. Here's the original Shakespeare version

ANTONY
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Caesar. The noble Brutus
Hath told you Caesar was ambitious:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Caesar answer'd it.
Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest--
For Brutus is an honourable man;
So are they all, all honourable men--
Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral.
He was my friend, faithful and just to me:
But Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honourable man.
He hath brought many captives home to Rome
Whose ransoms did the general coffers fill:
Did this in Caesar seem ambitious?
When that the poor have cried, Caesar hath wept:
Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honourable man.
You all did see that on the Lupercal
I thrice presented him a kingly crown,
Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;
And, sure, he is an honourable man.
I speak not to disprove what Brutus spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did love him once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then, to mourn for him?
O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason. Bear with me;
My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar,
And I must pause till it come back to me.

And here's Lord Buckleys version.

Hipsters, flipsters, and finger-poppin' daddies,
Knock me your lobes,
I came to lay Ceasar out,
Not to hip you to him.
The bad jazz that a cat blows,
Wails long after he's cut out.
The groovey is often stashed with their frames,
So don't put Caesar down.
The swinging Brutus hath laid a story on you
That Caesar was hungry for power.
If it were so, it was a sad drag,
And sadly hath the Caesar cat answered it.
Here with a pass from Brutus and the other brass,
For Brutus is a worthy stud,
Yea, so are they all worthy studs,
Though their stallions never sleep.
I came to wail at Ceasar's wake.
He was my buddy, and he leveled with me.
Yet Brutus digs that he has eyes for power,
And Brutus is a solid cat.
It is true he hath returned with many freaks in chains
And brought them home to Rome.
Yea, the looty was booty
And hip the trays we weld(?)
Dost thou dig that this was Caesar's groove
For the putsch?
When the cats with the empty kicks hath copped out,
Yea, Caesar hath copped out, too,
And cried up a storm.
To be a world grabber a stiffer riff must be blown.
Without bread a stud can't even rule an anthill.
Yet Brutus was swinging for the moon.
And, yea, Brutus is a worthy stud.
And all you cats were gassed on the Lupercal
When he came on like a king freak.
Three times I lay the kingly wig on him,
And thrice did he put it down.
Was this the move of a greedy hipster?
Yet, Brutus said he dug the lick,
And, yes, a hipper cat has never blown.
Some claim that Brutus' story was a gag.
But I dug the story was solid.
I came here to blow.
Now, stay cool while I blow.
You all dug him once
Because you were hipped that he was solid
How can you now come on so square
Now that he's tapped out of this world.
City Hall is flipped
And swung to a drunken zoo
And all of you cats are goofed to wig city.
Dig me hard.
My ticker is in the coffin there with Caesar,
And, yea, I must stay cool til it flippeth back to me.

I should have been a jazz cat.

toodle pip

stars playing records - marc bolan - marilyn monroe - john lennon

Here's some snaps of stars playing records at home. I am such a sad bastard that it annoys me the way Marilyn and John are holding their vinyl, as there will be fingerprints and smudges all over them. Hasn't John learnt about putting them back into their sleeves? That's how they end up being stood on and scratched. Why doesn't Marilyn put down her record while the other one is playing? Pah! Stars and their debauched ways. Marc looks like he has a fine collection, with Dylan and the Stones on display, although from what l know about him, that would probably have been deliberate to show off his tastes. Anyway, much as l love Marc and John, and despite the way she treats her vinyl, looking at those photos, l know who l would rather have round to 'spin some discs', 'stick the needle into the groove', 'hear some sounds' etc etc.

toodle pip

bob harris and his cd shelves

There is a feature in this months Word magazine about collecting records, and storing them if you have loads. It featured (amongst others) Bob Harris, who stores his CDs in a portakabin in his garden. It may well be a mightily secure and alarmed portakabin, but it is a portakabin non the less. It is also full of shelves and CDs. To say l was envious looking at the pictures is an understatement, l was so outrageously jealous it was unbelievable. It is not even the amount of CDs he has, as l have the same amount, if not more. It's the shelves. Those beautiful wooden shelves. I think l am becoming addicted to them (and very, very sad). Time for a lie down methinks, it's getting late and l am going giddy.

toodle pip

led zeppelin's peter grant gets the decorators in - paul reeves and jon wealleans

Back in the day (late 60's/early 70's), Peter Grant, the huge ex wrestler who managed Led Zeppelin, got Paul Reeves and Jon Wealleans in to do up his house while the mighty Zeppelin were away on tour. He also left most of it up to them as to what was to be done. When he returned, they said they were crapping themselves in case his reaction was not favourable, as he was known to be 'quite' aggressive on the 'odd occasion'. Luckily for them, he loved his new décor, and their heads stayed at the top of their necks, not up their arses (unlike most interior designers). Looking at some of the decoration, l would have been mighty worried showing it to him. Luckily everyone was on acid in them days, as he wouldn't commission it now (probably because he is now dead).

toodle pip

the summer burn with the laughing animals

The longest day of the year has just been and gone, and it was crap weather (as usual).

At least it got me out of cutting the grass though.

Instead of slaving away in the garden, I have just done two CD's for the summer burn project ( http://www.funjunkie.co.uk/summerburn/ ) and put a couple of happy animals on the front and back cover. Even printed on the CD's as well, pulling out all of the stops.

Thought l'd share the pictures as they look so happy.

toodle pip

young emperor penguin in new zealand

This little fellow has turned up in New Zealand, when he should really be at the Antartic. The guess is that it took a wrong turn while hunting food, and then kept going till it hit land.

I wonder if it has the same genes as our idiot rabbit.

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problem solving the easy way

There you go - everything is now sorted.

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bastards and a rabbit

Someone (don't know how long ago) has done this to the poor little bunny, (which looks like a younger, more intelligent version of our Tubbs). Bastards.

Hope they catch them and cut their knackers off (it's bound to be a lad).

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captain pugwash and master bates

It's all rubbish, as the reply at the bottom (at the bottom - ho ho ho) shows. Click on the picture to enlarge (ooh - enlarge - oh matron, stop it etc etc)

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undersea cables in 1901

The red lines are the undersea cables used by The Eastern Telegraph Company in 1901.

How the hell did did they manage to get them all in place?

Amazing.

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megaflicks

Megaflicks stores - they should have used a different font

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the tunnel people of las vegas

It's not all fun, games and high rollers in Las Vegas. These are pictures of people who live in the flood tunnels there, which is not exactly the safest place you would ever wish to stay in, despite the sunny weather. Some of them have obviously had drink and drug problems, but others just need somewhere to stay, for a variety of reasons. I bet they have all seen plenty of rats while they have been down there.

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barry and stuart in darlington

They finished the show with this X Ray machine stunt.

Went off to super Darlo on Sunday night to see Barry and Stuart at the Inside Out Club. Felt like l was taking the kids out on a day trip/adventure, as Lonni, Emma and Craig all came along for the ride. At least the FPO is closer to their age (obviously, as l would never go with someone my own age - that's just disgusting).

We all went for a drink opposite Joe Rigatoni's first, and bumped into Becky and her mate from work. This then evolved into Walter the pisser and Les the sailor boy joining us for a quick one, before we set off to Perrys (where Inside Out is).

Enjoyed the show, but there was not as much blood and gore as l would have liked, and we were sat right at the back (although it is still pretty close to the stage). As expected, it was a 50/50 mixture of comedy and magic, but it would have been better if we had been right at the front, or if one of the girls had been called on stage to assist with a trick, which they secretly would have loved, despite their denials.

The girls (and Craig) had their photos taken with Barry and Stuart after the show, so they were pretty pleased about that, although they had to be crowbarred away from them afterwards, (especially Craig).

Also chatted to Emma for a while about the stuff she witnessed with her mother when she was younger. This was around at a friends house, and was was pretty amazing, although l won't go into it here (and no, it wasn't abuse). No wonder so many people are messed up.

Another fine and splendid night out for all the family and our assorted crew, plus we even got home at a sensible time (11.15pm).

And l have no work until 3pm on Thursday. Hurrah!!

toodle pip

head in a jar costume

Sheer genius.

Play it to get the full effect.

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the specials - ghost town - released 20 years ago today

And it's still excellent and current

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watch island home - the thousand islands - new york state

This looks like my kind of place. It's Watch Island which is a private island located by The Thousand Islands region, on the Saint Lawrence River near Clayton in New York State.

Ten bedrooms, some great views and lots of privacy, that's what l find appealing about it.

As l am always a bit dubious about security, l would have to be fully tooled up in case of intruders (I've seen way to many horror movies), and there may be a few too many spiders from the trees and bushes, but l might just give this place a go.

Now where did l stash the $1,950,000 that it is for on the market for?

toodle pip

killer queen

Talented git

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night out with simon

Urghh

Decided to go out last night and had a stroll with the FPO to JT's about 9.30pm for a quiet drink (continental style).

Met Simon, then it all got messy (with Napoleon, Dave and his missus as well).

I won't go into details but we left about 2pm, l've had no sleep, and l am off to work soon.

Early night tonight methinks

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ryan giggs supporting brothers for life

This advert has come back to haunt him

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the scheme (tv series)

This is just the sort of programme l love and hate. A documentary following six families on a council estate (scheme) in Kilmarnock.

It highlights what little chance the kids have got from an early age, as all they want to do is get drunk and take drugs (and reproduce at an early age).

I've only seen the first episode so far, so l don't know how the series will pan out, but l imagine a lot more jail sentences, fights and drug taking, with most of the youngsters acting tough and not being interested in anything else apart from TV.

"There's nothing to do except get wasted" says one of them. What about reading a book, walking by the sea, or listening to music for a starter?

Sadly, the (lack of) education and backing they have had will see to the fact most of them will have no aspirations or hope, and they will probably stay one the dole for quite some time, if not forever.

I know the kids are lucky to be born in an area where they will still have a roof over their head and be fed, albeit at the taxpayers expense, but they are still deprived of so many opportunities.

If they had been born to a middle class family down south somewhere, most of them would be going to college or university instead of jail.

Not all of them would do of course, and the estate will have some examples of residents who have done well legally, either through the education route or with their jobs, but the majority are doomed at birth.

Sadly, this is also the kind of show that will have David Cameron and The Daily Mail fuming about scroungers on benefits who can afford to drink and have clothes and TVs.

It's on BBC 1 on Tuesday nights (or the i player).

toodle pip

shelves and mini books

I can't remember the name of this chap (and l certainly can't be bothered looking), but he collects mini books and keeps them all in special shelves.

I used to like mini books when l was a nipper, and l am sure you could get some from a machine in Bootle by the four banks roundabout, but l might be cracking up.

Anywhoos, l don't know whether to applaud this fellow or remember how sad he is, as l could so easily go down his anal path of geekdom and nerdness (ooeer missus)

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