snake bus

To carry on with the theme from the last post, here's a bus in Copenhagen that is advertising the zoo in Copenhagen. Fantastic! Fancy seeing that when you're pissed or on acid.

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python and alligator

This is down in Florida, where a python tried to eat an alligator. Mad idea, as the python ended up exploding due to the alligator being too big, and it probably clawed at the pythons stomach from the inside. What a thing to have seen.

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new old spice advert

Class

work till you're dead

An old person (the FPO's mother?) - yesterday

Those wacky coalition representatives eh? First they are sharing power and pretending that they all get on, and now they are talking about making everyone work until they are 70. What a bunch of bastards. All the rich fuckers are going to retire early anyway, it's just us poor buggers that will have to work longer, people who are probably dying (literally) to finish work, and have probably had jobs that were (or are) more physically demanding over the years.

Why stop at 70 anyway? Look inside an old folks home and you will find loads of layabouts and malingerers that could be putting in a decent shift down the coal mine (if there were any still open). Bunch of slack limbed reprobates, get them out to work I say. If not, shoot them. That would save on the old pension payments. I may have to think this one through and come up with a master-plan.

I'll get back to this in the future

toodle pip

a girl crying over the footie

Pah! She's probably pissed because she can't handle her ale. No girl understands the footie enough so that is emotion gets to them, it's all superficial. Unless they have played at a top level (like I have played it), it's hard to get properly involved and emotional with it. She just wants some attention.

Now I really have to go to bed. I have work again tomorrow morning (Damn!).

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friends are portly

I was on a website earlier on (the Daily Mail, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1290061/Portly-Matt-LeBlanc-gets-helping-hand-leaves-Bungalow-8-looking-little-worse-wear.html?ito=feeds-newsxml) where there was this picture of one of them from friends (Matt LeBlanc), with a story about him being on the lash in London (picture evidence above - fair enough), but also saying that he looked 'portly'. now don't get me wrong, I do boast about having 20/20 vision (although I have not had my eyes tested), I do recognise a fellow pisshead when he is on the lash (evidence above), and I do recognise another portly fellow. The trouble is, there is no evidence above to support the 'portly' jibe. If anything, he looks gaunt. No wonder stars get insecure and fucked up (and pissed). Poor souls, but they are meant to be human like the rest of us/you lot.

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knackered after the footie and t.rex tributes

I was at work yesterday and stayed up till about 2am to watch the World Cup quarter final games, which I had recorded at work and then watched once everyone had gone to bed. Good result for Holland against Brazil, and the Uraguay game against Ghana had an ending you could not make up (unless you are a Manchester United fan). Extra time, a last minute penalty and sending off, a missed last minute penalty, and then the penalty shoot out. I was already tired going to work as I did not have a lot of sleep when I was off, but felt more knackered in the morning (early morning 7am start) as I never sleep properly at work anyway. I was looking forward to going home at 2pm, put it that way. Sadly I have not had any sleep since coming back home, although I have watched Germany destroy Argentina and then went and cut the grass. The FPO had been out at a do, but came home early (she was sober - it's a miracle!!) and she then watched Star Trek, so I have been pottering about on the computer during the evening (bliss). I did think about going to see a T.Rex tribute band tonight in Richmond, but it annoys me that they do a second set of 70's stuff which includes the Bay City Rollers. Either do the T.Rex tribute properly, or be a glam band properly, that's what I say. Don't get me started, I'm tired and emotional (maybe the two bottles of Pinot haven't helped).

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oops - wrong hospital

What an idiot I am. I had an appointment yesterday to go and have a chat about my loop recorder which is being fitted next Friday, and have some blood tests before the operation. Foolishly, I did not look at the letter properly, so therefore turned up at the appointed time of 11.15am at the Friarage hospital in Northallerton (where they have done tests in the past), to discover I should have been at South Tees hospital in Middlesbrough (where they are going to do the operation). After some frantic phone calls and re-arrangements, I managed to get my own doctors to do the tests (full blood, SMAC and U's and E's, if I remember correctly). They are then going to get the results and fax them through to South Tees, so I can attend as planned on Friday for the op (if the blood tests are OK). That will teach me not to just to breeze on through life without paying due diligence (or maybe it won't). I had to inform South Tees that I was not bothered about the pre op talk and info, and luckily they accepted that. The worst thing about it was the fact I could have had a day off work to go to South Tees for an hours chat and tests. Damn and double Damn! I missed out on a skive there. To tell the truth, I am quite looking forward to having the loop recorder inserted (steady on, it's only in the chest), and plan to make the most of it while it is in, as it is the size of a memory stick. I can see a lot of knocking, tapping and squeezing it ahead (ooh missus!). More news after Friday!!

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hancock at the georgian

Just got back from the Georgian Theatre in Richmond after watching 'Hancock's finest hour' starring Paul Henry (Benny from crossroads) who was excellent as Hancock (and l have high standards). He actually looked a lot like Hancock and carried off the roll superbly. I was not that bothered (I should say enamoured if l had an education or was middle class) with the other two performers, but it was an enjoyable evening. It was a good performance and l did enjoy it a lot, but l was maybe expecting a bit more from it, so l was slightly disappointed at the end. I was surprised to see young Scall's missus there, and we had a chat at the interval. Rather sadly, she said she has now been a barrister for 12 years. Brilliant stuff, that made me and the FPO feel old. She then went on to talk to her friends about the FPO and myself being on TV, so they therefore wanted to talk to us about the experience. Damn! I was also surprised to discover that young Scall (John) is a trained up solicitor, but is living as a house husband to their kids. What a jammy bastard! I do not want kids, but once they have been packed up to school, surely the day is your own to prat about in/with. Six years the lad has been unemployed! Bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, a very pleasant evening was had. A meal beforehand at the Turf, loads of drink (in homage to Hancock of course), and l was pleasant to the people next to me in the theatre (and wound them up by saying l was at the Sunderland Empire when Sid James died on stage).

Time to listen to the radio shows again (much better than the TV ones). The FPO will have to suffer during the next week or so (more than usual).

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ronnie wood book

I got this yesterday from Oxfam and read it today while l have been off work. What an insane, rock n roll lifestyle the crazy bastard has been living, pretty much all of his life. There are obviously loads of tales off hanging around with dodgy characters, lots of parties, lots of wife swapping hippie sex and spending all of his money as soon as he got it. Obviously, being the bastard son of Keith, l can relate to it all and have indulged myself, but there are plenty of escapades which make you think Ronnie is just a fucking idiot. It's strange reading it with hindsight though, as he has realised at the end of the book how the Stones and his family are so important to him, and he has given up drinking, and his life seems to be sorted. Then there's a divorce on the cards, an affair with a young Russian (l think) girl and back on the drink. Who knows how his life will pan out, but at least he has definitely had a great time with a lot of kindred spirits (although also upsetting people he was close to). Rock and Roll eh. It's not easy.

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damn! a new job and proper work

Damn! It's finally happened!

I had my (bloody long) interview today for a promotion at work, and I was successful. That should be good news but it now means l will probably have to work harder and take the job more seriously from now on.

I start tomorrow (the 1st of July) and am boss of Catterick Village and Richmond (Damn again!). There goes my easy life.

At least I get a new phone out of it and can decide what hours I want to work, but that's about the end of the good news.

I know I will be getting extra money, but I am not even that bothered about that (although it will be appreciated and spent unwisely).

Now I have to get rid of all the workers and get my own troops in, who will obey my every whim and instructions without question.

I think the power has gone to my head already.

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sign villa, ronaldo is greedy (shock news)

I have just finished watching the recording of Spain v Portugal, and a although it was not exactly a feast of football, I wish Manchester United had made more of an effort (if they have the money nowadays) to sign David Villa - he is class. Never mind, Javier Hernandez from the Mexico team has looked impressive, and he has already signed. On another note, much as l loved what Ronaldo did for Manchester United, l could never take to him, as l always though he was more concerned about himself, rather than the team. This World Cup he has confirmed it, shooting from way out on numerous occasions when there was a better option to pass. Obviously when he played for United, l would defend anything he did (even the Rooney sending off and wink), but now l feel no such obligation. When United had Ruud Van Nistelroy, you knew he was greedy and wanted to score goals, but always felt he was still doing it for the team, not himself, hence he is still loved. Ronaldo divided supporters even when he played for United. They should have signed me when l was in my prime, a United fan and brilliant. What more could they want? Ah well, bedtime l suppose (even though it is now very bright outside). Maybe in another universe (maybe a parallel one like the many-worlds interpretation (MWI) Hugh Everett expounds) l am the brother of Keith Richards.

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iconic rolling stones

To carry on from an earlier thread, the above picture is not really iconic, as it has hardly been seen, but to me it just sums up how great it must have been for the Stones at the time, Keith was elegantly wasted, Mick was still cool, and the songs and performances were still great (don't get me started on the Rolling Stones bootlegs from that time and shortly after). Look at the lack of security for a start. It was a different age then, sex, drugs and Rock and Roll, but without the tabloids breathing down your neck (luckily for Led Zeppelin). How come l was not born into some kind of harem with Keith, Marc Bolan and Francis Rossi? Once again, l blame God and my parents. Bastards.

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iconic rock star images

I was on a website the other day when people were discussing their favourite iconic musical shots (I know, l am very, very sad), but it got me thinking about the images l like the best (oh oh!). These are three of my favourites, but l do have so, so many more. One day l will try to live a normal life, rather than thinking of what is cool or 'Rock and Roll'. It may take some time though.

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bbc footie dylan rip off

I must admit, this is pretty good.

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once again, ingerland are shite

What can l say? Even after expecting Ingerland to be shite in every tournament, they still surprise me and produce even worse displays than the last time. At least me and the FPO had a good day out around White Shops, watching the game in the Wine Bar, then getting drunk at JT's afterwards. We kept going to go home, but kept bumping into people we had not seen for a while (great excuse) and ended up staying out later. There's a picture above to remind me of the good old days, but l can't see it being repeated in the near future. I don't care that much about Ingerland being knocked out, as l thought that would probably happen in the next game anyway, it's just the way it is always so lifeless and shitty. If they had a good go and fucked it all up, fair enough, but this tournament (watching Ingerland) has been shit (again). Thank God I support the glorious Manchester United (who are much better to watch and l care more about). Another bad thing about the World Cups is the fact Manchester United players end up being the scapegoats. This year it's Rooney (and Evra for France). Time to welcome them back to the bosom that is Old Trafford and United.

Nearly forgot, now it's a good time to enjoy the footie without the press overdrive saying Ingerland might win (have they got no memories?). I still have £5 each on Germany and Holland, so l would like them to meet in the final.

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ingerland expects (again)

I am just about to hit JT's to watch the footie with the FPO, so l thought l would put up this old favourite.

My prediction is that the game will be close and probably go to penalties (yet again). I would not be surprised if Ingerland scrape through (again) and then get knocked out in the Quarter finals (again). It's an excuse for a good day out for all the family (although Nozzer is being left at home) day.

I have already got a £5 bet on Germany to win the World Cup (and another £5 on Holland), so l won't be that gutted if Germany win. Let's face it, lngerland are just not that good.

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fabio is not happy

This is from Spanish TV, showing Capello on the touchline (with subtitles). Just watch him boss Psycho about near the end. Priceless!

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atlantis space shuttle

We have take off! What a great photo.

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lady ga ga

MEN are still really trying to find the constantly-naked Lady Gaga attractive, it emerged last night. The telephone hat does actually help a little bit In recent weeks, the American singer-attention seeker's ubiquitous breasts and buttocks have been causing increasing tension among British men, many of whom are struggling to understand why they do not find them even remotely arousing. Man Tom Logan said: "They are perfectly good, female human breasts and buttocks. Normally that combo alone, even if grafted onto a toad's back, would be sufficient to heat my juice. "Plus in her new video she wanks a marmoset while dressed as a kind of fetish combine harvester, or something. "And yet... and yet, try as I might, I simply cannot muster any sexual enthusiasm for La Gaga. It's weird, it's not like I'm sophisticated enough to be deterred by her intensely irritating personality or the fact that she has the aspect of a young Pauline Fowler." Teacher Norman Steele said: "I'm a bit of a pervert and also a keen amateur oceanologist, so Gaga – a dirty girl who frequently dresses like a crustacean – should be right up my staircase. "Yet somehow I can't even crack a semi over her, it's most perplexing. Am I on the turn?" From the Daily Mash - so true. toodle pip

harrogate

While I was working today, I took someone to Harrogate so they could get a load of money out of their bank (just setting up a new one for them at the moment). I had forgotten what a nice looking place it is, loads of great buildings and lots of green spaces surrounding it. Very impressive I must say. I used to go there (now and again) for a training course, but that was nearly 20 years ago now. I still got a bit lost in the centre while walking around, but was surprised how much of it I had remembered. Perhaps there's life in the old memory banks after all.

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we're ingerland!

So it's a good result and we have scrapped through to the next round. If all goes well we may be playing Germany and then (if we progress) it may well be Argentina. This is when Ingerland gets knocked out as usual, Rooney gets loads of flak (until he comes back to the Manchester United family), and everyone remembers we are not good enough (until the next tournament).

In other World Cup news, the referees have made some shockingly bad decisions, the players have been diving and squirming around on the ground like they will never walk again, and it was good to hear the crowd again during the England game, as it gave it more atmosphere.

Oh, and the French have been insane!

One last thing. I usually do not listen to the commentators, but did l miss something or what? Was l the only person thinking Defoe's goal was a lucky deflection off his shin, and he then went on to miss a sitter? He is definitely not a World class player (although at least Heskey was dropped). Also...the balls crossed in were not that much different to Aaron Lennon's crosses. Hardly any reached a player, but on the BBC it was all "that is fantastic, the ball is arriving just where you want it as a striker, in the middle of the six yard box", but when Lennon was running to the byline and then pulling the ball back to the same spot, he was not hitting a man and he was shit. I argued at the time that the forwards should have been attacking that space, but did anyone listen? Did they Hell.

Pah!

I know so much more about football than anyone else.

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england expects (not a lot)

Who thought this group would be easy? Not with Ingerland stumbling through it like a zombie with deep see diver boots on. Looking at the game later on (the latest decider, they have to win), l predict a close game with Ingerland scraping through 1-0 or 2-1. l am not holding my breath though. There is also a chance Rooney will be sent off, then it will be 'blame the Manchester United player' (again). Bloody internationals, when does the proper season start? (l already know - when Manchester United play Newcastle United on the first day of the season). Can't wait.

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garage driveway and night sky

I was slaving away in the garden last night, cutting the bloody grass, but also trying to sort out the front of the garage, which was getting a little bit overgrown (to say the least), with what are apparently) small trees growing through the cracks in the concrete. Anyway, after hours of continues hard work (ooh me dodgy ticker) it is now looking a lot better. Not sure whether to get weed killer for the rest of the growths, or to risk setting fire to them (and then watch the whole estate burst into flames). Time will tell, but they will probably be 10 foot high by the time l make my mind up and decide to tackle them again (l fancy the petrol, but the FPO is against it).

Also, the sky was pretty red last night. The bottom picture was as l was coming inside for the night, after Tubbs had been fed and watered. I always though it was meant to be 'Red sky at night, farmers delight'. The middle picture was taken just before going to bed, when the sun was coming up again, and it looked even better. Surely there's a contradiction though, as it's 'Red sky in the morning, farmers warning'. The weather had not changed at all during those intervening few hours so something is afoot. l blame God (or those bloody farmers).

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stones and bolan mashups

Two excellent Rolling Stones mashups. One of them has them with Marc Bolan. l think it has made me wet myself, as the inside of my thigh has gone damp. Bliss bliss bliss. No wonder l have a dodgy ticker.

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l love japan (part 386)

These are actually from China, but it's close enough for me and means l can use the 'l love japan' headline. Anyway, they will soon be doing the same in Japan.

What it is, is paint for animals. There has been a craze in China and people have been painting their pets with this paint (which does not harm the animals) to look like other (more exotic) animals. Brilliant stuff. l am off to find Nozzer and do him up.

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kris needs

I got this book from Ebay last week and it was so annoying. Kris Needs has had the sort of life l should have had. l know l have done well for a working class scumbag, experienced a lot of stuff, travelled a lot and had a really good time a lot of the time, but he has done the same on a completely different level.

When he was younger he saw Hendrix and other 1960's bands. He then got involved with Mott the Hoople and became their fan club manager, which got him access to David Bowie. Then it was touring with Primal Scream and The Clash and working for the music press. He missed aeroplanes on a regular basis, lived in New York and got a serious drug problem (l could have done that bit). To cap it all, he ended up as a re-mixer and DJ, working the big clubs and Ibiza. Oh, l nearly forgot, he was also mates with John Otway and used to play with him a lot. Damn and double damn! l blame my parents.

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sex talk graph

Stay on the left, not the right.

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the beatles do led zeppelin

Genius! This is an Australian Beatles tribute band from the 19990's (so l have been told). What a great idea, a bit like Dread Zeppelin.

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notting hill posters

There has been work done at Notting hill tube station and the workmen have unearthed this passageway which has been closed since the 1950's. hence the 1950's posters that are still on the walls. Makes me want to go and see 'Too Many Crooks' now.

hippie

Apart from the beard, l think l am up to step 5

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ingerland at jts

Went to the pub (J.T's) last night with Dazzer to watch the footie (England 0-0 against Algeria). What a waste of time that was. I never expect a lot from England as we are pretty shit at the best of times and every competition ends up with disappointment at the end, but this was pretty

dire. At least there was plenty of beer and a bit of a laugh with people dressed up. Here's Mick before the game, foolishly looking happy and confident. That soon changed.

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germany, the usa and maccas birthday

Damn! l have been watching the footie today, but foolishly went to Tesco's with the USA score at 2-1 after they were 2-0 down at half time. l froze the Sky box to watch the rest of the game when l returned home, but as l was getting out of the car with the shopping (beer), l foolishly spoke to Mark, my next door neighbour, asking if he was looking forward to the England game. The confirmed he was, but also said " see the USA drew 2-2". Damn! l will never speak to him about football again.

On another note, why the fuck are Linaker and his crew out in South Africa just so they can report from a studio with a nice background? Waste of my taxpayers money l say, they could have stayed in England and done the same job.

Last note. l know it is Paul McCartney's birthday today, but the German manager didn't have to dress like one of the Beatles in tribute.

Have to go... "guests" have arrived.

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fans watching the world cup

These are pictures of fans watching big screen matches live during the current World Cup. One screening is in Germany, one in South Korea, and one in good old Manchester. Guess which is which.

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finished for the weekend - hit the hammock

Hurrah! l have finished work today and have no more until 2pm on Tuesday, although l may go in on Sunday evening for a couple of hours or so to help out.

Finished at 2pm today and then cycled home in the blazing sunshine. When the weather is hot and sunny and you are on your way home, it certainly lifts your spirits, and makes my tiny little legs pump that little bit harder (like my arse). Sat on the hammock listening to my ipod and reading, then had a meal outside in the garden, with the rabbits running around when the FPO arrived home. Dragged myself off for a bath afterwards, and have just finished watching the recordings of the Argentina win and France defeat. Also watched Eddie Izzard live from San Francisco, which l thought was Ok and had some good moments, but the FPO disagreed. Then again, what does she know? After all, l'm the comedy genius around these parts.

Hope it's sunny again tomorrow, we have visitors (damn!!!!) and the footie is on ("Come on Ingerlaand!") Another disaster probably awaits.

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holland fans and robbie earl

A load of blonde Holland fans were kicked out of the Denmark game because they were all wearing short orange skirts and the organisers thought they were doing some 'ambush advertising' for a beer company (which they probably were). At the last World Cup they (the beer company) gave out orange trousers, which the Dutch fans had to remove before entering the stadium.

What has this got to do with Robbie Earl? It turns out a load of the tickets were from his allocation (35 - 40 tickets for friends and family). He has been sacked by ITV with immediate effect, but what l want to know is why the hell he had so many tickets. I assume all the commentators or analysts must get the same, and will no doubt all be flogging a load on for a bit (a lot) of extra cash. No wonder the fans have to go onto the black market to get tickets.

l also don't think half of the people have to go to South Africa in person to report on it, but it's another freebie and jolly old piss up for the old boys network. Bastards!

l would however, jump at the chance.

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howlin wolf - the 'tributes'

Here's two of his songs that were ripped off/paid homage to. You don't have to listen too hard to hear 'Jeepster' by T.Rex, or 'Loaded' by Primal Scream. Luckily l love both of those records as well, and hearing stuff like them and understanding where the influences came from introduces you to more music (if you can be bothered to be interested enough to delve a bit deeper). Great music is still great music, no matter how long ago it was recorded.

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the howlin wolf story

He would have been 100 last week. What a great singer he was, plus he could shake those hips and find the time to write some pretty good songs that have been copied and ripped off ever since (Bolan, l am thinking of you!).

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the perfect woman?

The answer is yes - this is the perfect woman

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james corden and patrick stewart

Ooh - hissy fit alert!

It's a pity there aren't more of these sort of things at award ceremonies, it makes them a lot more interesting.

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elsies funeral

Had to drag myself out of bed today after being sick during the night, as although l was not fit enough for work, l didn't want to miss Elsie's funeral. Luckily the FPO was going and I got a lift there and then back again afterwards when l had had enough. Felt sick as a dog all the way through it but it was a good service.
Spent the rest of the day in bed or lying down on the settee, reading, sleeping and doing nothing. Not a bad day after all then.

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england, rob green and the cross keys

Another embarrassing night for England with a 1-1 draw and a blunder from Rob Green. No great change there then. Watched the game at Kerry and Robbo's, stayed overnight and then went to the Cross Keys for lunch the next day (to complete our anylising of the game). They have a new menu now and have had a refurbishment inside, so it made a bit of a visual change, although I still had my normal pate on toast (now chicken and honey), plus they did me some mushroom soup as the soup they were serving had coriander in it (I have told them I am allergic to it). Called in for a traditional last drink in JT's on the way home and got back in about 4.30pm. Had a lazy evening in reading and watching TV (and arguing with the TV during Question Time). Nice.

I was going to put up a picture of Rob Green fluffing the shot, but when I googled for the Rob Green image, I found this picture of another Rob Green. It's so good l decided to put it up instead.

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the world cup starts here

Footballs coming home! No it won't be, but at least it's something to watch over the summer. To get in the mood I've dug out the 1990 stickers. We had a lot better team then. I still reckon we will get knocked out before the semi finals. As for the USA game, l am hoping for a 2-1 win, but it will be a lot tougher than anyone seems to be thinking. Here's hoping for the best (but not expecting it).

I still reckon Spain should win it, but I have put £5 each on Holland and Germany as outside bets. Germany as they are usually there or thereabouts, and Holland are a good outside bet as they have a really good team and are actually getting on with each other this time.

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