chris evans' new car

This is the car that Chris Evans bought last week. It's a 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO and it cost him 12 million pounds. Now I like Chris Evans, but he is one rich bastard and spending money like that makes me extremely jealous. One thing though, at least he knows how to enjoy his money, so good luck to him (not that he needs it). I hate to think what I would waste my money on if I was as rich as him, but I sure would like to try.

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lord triesman

With Becks and the 2018 World Cup Bid

Lord Triesman is 66 and a rich idiot

The posh educated tottie/slapper is 37

So, what a surprise. Someone else in a position of power decides to have an affair with someone younger. This time it's Lord Triesman, (the head of the FA) who has been caught playing away from home. The Mail and his old flame Melissa Jacobs (37) have stitched him up like a kipper. She was dating him (why?? money by any chance??) and then secretly taped him at a meal so the Mail could use the recording as evidence (you can also listen to the recordings on the Mail's website). The Mail have been keen to stress that Melissa is posh and educated ("A privately educated economics and biology graduate") and not just a money grabber, but it is all very seedy as far as I am concerned. If she cared about him, she would not have stitched him up, knowing his family would find out and he would lose his job. Also, there is no way she would have gone for him if he was not rich and powerful. There is also the fact that he has probably been hounded by the Mail as he is a Labour peer, even if he is an idiot for falling to temptation and then sending texts and slagging off other countries World Cup bids. Another sad old bastard gets done, another trollop shags and sells her story, another scoop for the Mail to wet its pants over, and a chance that Englands World Cup bid may be scuppered due to the accusations made over dinner. Never mind eh. At least the Mail got their story and the trollop got her money.

On a related note, the World Cup bid that Becks is handing over runs to 1,752 pages.

That will not be read.

Let's hope there are lots of nice photos for the committees to look at.

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football coalition

Aston Villa and Liverpool form coalition to claim Premier League title from Chelsea

NEWLY-FORMED coalition club Liverton Villa have controversially claimed this season’s Premier League trophy after combining the points totals of their former incarnations as Liverpool and Aston Villa.

The Premier League’s constitution allows for clubs to form a coalition if the side that originally won the league did so without a significant majority of floating glory supporters giving them their backing.

The coalition club have been locked in meetings to determine which elements of each side would remain in the merger. The long negotiations resulted in a deal that will see Rafael Benitez step down as manager and hand over a side to Martin O’Neill that will line up in a claret and red strip at Anfield next season, to the strains of You’ll Never Walk Alone (UB40 remix) .

Liverton Villa’s ‘dream team’ of American chairmen George Gillet and Randy Lerner said (speaking alternate words): “With our combined points total of 127 we were by far and away the best team in the Premier League this year. We therefore claim the trophy, and the full backing of the people.”

The coalition will spend the summer campaigning for a new points system, which will more accurately reflect supporters’ wishes by finally registering every kick as a goal, rather than just shots. More engagement with Europe is also expected, potentially via a close-season pan-continental 5-a-side tournament.

But commentators have been quick to question the stability of the Liv-Av coalition, pointing to significant differences in their season manifestos.

“This is naked political horse trading,” said an incensed Richard Keys on Sky Sports News. “The cracks will appear very soon, both sides have totally different policies on hoofs up the pitch, tricky wingers and the need for an Emile Heskey.”

Liverpool have been open to the idea of a coalition team since their season began to go awry in August of last year. The Reds flirted with fashionable Tottenham Hotspur for a deal, before eventually deeming them “unacceptably Southern”.

Usurped champion Didier Drogba angrily responded to the audacious Liverton merger. “It’s a f*cking disgrace,” he said. “And what’s more they sound like one of the fake teams from Pro Evo.”

From ' The Gaffer'

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dio again - kill the king

oxford united return

Although Manchester United are my favourite team, I used to go and watch Oxford United a lot when I was younger, as I lived in between Oxford and Reading, so I still look out for their results, and was henceforth chuffed earlier on after watching Oxford beat York 3-1 to get promotion back into the league. They scored two quick goals (One from James Constable above, who has had a great season) and were coasting it until a mistake from their goalkeeper Ryan Clarke cost them a goal, as he fumbled a cross into his own net. It was then a bit nervous until they scored again in injury time, as York were trying to press or an equaliser. It was a miserable day in the pouring rain at Wembley, but a great result. It's a pity Darlington have just been demoted as I could have gone to watch Oxford play there, as I now live about 12 miles from the Darlington ground. Never mind, onwards and upwards.

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dio is dead

Bit of sad news tonight as I have discovered on the BBC news site that Ronnie James Dio has died from stomach cancer. I used to love him when he sang for Rainbow, and he also did a splendid job singing for Black Sabbath. I think I have those albums, plus a couple of his solo albums somewhere, not that I have played them for years, but I enjoyed them a lot when they first came out. My matie boy Shuggs was in a table football team with Dio in LA years ago, and said he was one of the nicest people you could meet. That's good enough for me. I was looking at old photographs from weddings and holidays today, it makes you realise how old we are all getting, and this rubs it in, as Dio was 67 when he died. He'll always be a sprightly young thing in my eyes though. Time to go and dig out an old Rainbow album, and blast out something like Kill the King, as it's still great. As the man said, Long Live Rock and Roll.

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a drunken night rat poisoning

These are the pictures from last night after trying to poison the bloody rats. I was taking pictures on the decent cameras, but the batteries were crap and I was trying to find some batteries that were OK, with little success. I had also had a wee bit of ale (classy bottles of Chard pictured) and couldn't remember how to put normal picture settings on my phone, which is what I ended up taking the pictures on. Never mind, the rats tucked into the poison and I did get some pictures. The biggest one even tried to pull the blue bowl that had the poison in underneath the hutch. I topped the bowl up before retiring for the night, and this morning ( I was informed) there was nothing left in it, so that's a good sign. It is also good that I am not scared of the buggers, as a big one came alongside me at one point, before climbing the fence next to me so he could get into the rabbits run for the food/poison. Let's see what happens next, it is now a battle of wits between me and them (oh oh). I am away at work tonight, so will put out more poison for them on Monday and Tuesday. I actually finish work on Thursday morning at 8am as I have a few days off before going away at the weekend, so I will have to sort out the rabbits cage, kill the remainder of the rats, and cut the bloody grass for the first time this year(Damn!). Can't wait.

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paper bill

This is how often I pay my paper bill. It is for the last three months worth of papers, which is about normal, as I only pop in to pay the bill about four times a year. It is only for the Observer on Sundays and United we Stand (a Manchester United fanzine) each month. The bill soon seems to mount up though, it's lucky the people at the shop know me and we have this understanding, I even give them a Christmas card each year (not with any money in it though).

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torres is bruno

I finished reading this four four two magazine this evening, one that I liberated from the doctors a couple of weeks ago. What I want to know is who on earth took the cover photo and persuaded Torres that he looks mean and cool in it. The person who did is a genius and probably a Manchester United fan, as Torres looks very gay (nothing wrong with that) and remarkably like Sacha Cohen's Bruno. I really hope Torres keeps that hairstyle, it's priceless! Marvellous stuff.

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bloody rats

A baby rat climbing up the side of the hutch to get to the water

Mother rat and two of the babies

Tubbs staring out a baby rat

Mother rat trying to get into the hutch

Two baby rats drinking Tubbs' water

Well, the bloody rats are back with a vengeance. As soon as Tubbs has had his food put into his hutch, the rats appear and try to nick it (and drink his water). Tubbs gets locked up in the evening after the food has been put in, as there are two different fronts (see pictures) for the bottom of the hutch, but the baby rats can crawl up the side of the hutch and get through the bars to his water and food. time for a load more poison to be put down, and I am going to reinforce the hutch to stop the rats getting in at night. Tubbs does not seem that bothered about them, but it must be upsetting for him to have them in his hutch, especially if they are nicking his food. The rats look pretty cute (well, the baby ones do), but it's time for a slaughter again. Updates to follow.

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tory posters

Christ I am sick to death now of the election and it's crappy results, Gordon Browns resignation, Clegg and the Liberals selling out, and now the Labour party having to find a new leader (my money is on David Milliband).

Here's some Tory posters, then I will try to get on with my life.

Nearly forgot - a blogger posted this earlier on (lost the link I'm afraid, so can't credit him). Anyway, it made me laugh.

I wished for three things

The safe birth of my second child
For David Cameron not to become Prime Minister
For Exeter City not to be relegated

Two out of three isn't bad, although politically we are drifting into the arena of the unwell. My newborn son showed his tacit agreement at the moment Cameron left the Palace by screwing up his face and doing a shit so powerful that it went through the nappy, body suit and sleep suit.

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cat trying to revive his dead mate

This is pretty moving. Who says they don't have proper feelings?

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west hams wage bill

This is West Hams wage bill (click to enlarge or see the link below) - no wonder they are so deeply in the shit. Kieron Dyer is still earning £70,000 a week!! What the fuck for? The goalkeeping coach's wages are one tenths that of the goalkeeper. The world has gone mad (madder).

http://i596.photobucket.com/albums/tt50/Leeds_boy/westhamwages.jpg

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aussie school message

This is adapted from an early USA school hoax message (ie it's not a real message). Still pretty good though.

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don't blame me - l voted labour

I have been at work overnight and couldn't sleep properly, so I decided to get up and have a coffee, only to find that a fresh kind of Hell has arrived in the form of David Cameron as our new Prime minister. Oh goody, that is something l am have really been looking forword to. Think it's time to go and live in a cave.

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adam boulton losing his cool live on sky news

Alistair Campbell really wound him up - excellent (about four and a half minutes in)

harrods statue

As the football has now finished for another season and United messed up on their fourth title in succession (and beating Liverpool's title haul), I have moved onto other stuff and can forget about the footie until the World Cup starts next month.

So.... in other news, Harrods was sold a few days ago. Why am I bothered? Because of the rather magnificent statue of Dodi and Di that is enclosed within it. I really hope the new owners decide to keep it, as it is just soooo bad. Sadly, I think it will probably be removed, which would be a damn shame for the nation. I might ask for it and put it in the garden.

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walking home from the pub after chelsea have won the league

Like Lazarus himself, I am back! Only this time, I am armed with photos taken by me on my long/short walk home from JT's.

The pictures confirm I live in the middle of nowhere, and the snaps taken (and shown above) are in reverse order.

I have also realised I meant I have risen like a phoenix from the flames. Never mind.

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down the arc

Been out to watch the football down the Arc, and the results were shite. More news tomorrow - I'm a bit tiddly

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the curious case of benjamin button and district 9

Both of these films had their moments, especially with the special effects, but some of the story lines could have done with a lot of tweaking (from me of course).

District 9 (2009) was produced by Peter Jackson, (who did Lord of the Rings and King Kong), and it is about clearing away aliens who have landed and been housed in Johannesburg (albeit in a slum), to another district. Obviously it draws parallels with the apartheid situation in South Africa, as the aliens are referred to as 'prawns', and everyone thinks they are thick, dirty and lawbreakers. The main human in the film Wilkus, (played by Sharlto Copley), is a manager at an arms company. He just wants to do his job, until he becomes infected and starts to turn into an alien. The more alien he becomes, the more he identifies with them, and he then ends up trying to defend them. This is all well and good, and the film is done in a really believable documentary style. The trouble for me was I hated the end. Wilkus gets inside a metallic fighting machine, and the film ends up like Transformers or something. This really let it down in my opinion, plus (as usual), there were lots of little things that bugged me during the film, even small things like there being no cobwebs in the run down shacks. As is always the case, the army can shoot aliens with ease from helicopters, but when they try to hit Wilkus later on, they miss. Still thought the film was well done though, and I preferred the early part of the film to Lord of the Rings. I just really hate stuff like Transformers.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008) was also excellent during the early part, as the effects (Benjamin being born looking ancient) were fantastic. The film was good, but dragged on a bit, and could have done with some editing, as it was about three hours long. Brad Pitt stayed looking suspiciously good for a long time when he was (supposedly) getting younger, and Cate Blanchett took a while getting older (as Benjamin's love interest). it was also a bit like Forest Gump in reverse, as some key historical scenes were played out in the background, or as a back story (space rockets, the Second World War). Once again, as it is Hollywood, it was different from the book, (where Benjamin is born old looking but also bright), Some of the scenes are not too believable, such as Benjamin walking out on his wife and child, then going exploring for a few years, when he could have spent longer with her. I would have preferred it to be shorter and to have been able to have cared for the characters more. Once Brad Pitt started getting young, I lost more and more interest in what happened to him. You could definitely empathise with the cast in District 9 more, and I much preferred that.

Still, always good to see films.

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thanks to you idiots its a hung parliament

So after all the fuss of the election, and all the polls saying Labour would be kicked out and the Liberal democrats would have loads of votes this time, it's a hung parliament and Nick Clegg is currently talking to David Cameron. Whichever way it goes now, Nick Clegg is going to be a twat. His party align themselves with left of centre politics and attract Labour voters who would never vote for the Tories. Also, his party are also very keen for proportional representation to come in, as that would benefit them in the long term ( I don't think they just want it in because they think it is a fairer system). He is however, prepared to go and talk to the Tories, who are pretty opposed to a lot of Liberal ideas, including proportional representation, being the right wing bunch of bastards that they are. I would not be surprised if the Liberals backed down on their proportional representation goals just so they could have a sniff of power now, and sod the long term benefits to the party (Or supposedly) the nation. If it does not work out with David Cameron, and Nick Clegg then goes to Labour because they are offering referendums and reforms to the Liberals, Nick Clegg will be backing down on statements he made that he would not do a deal with Labour. Either way he loses respect in my eyes (not that I had much for him in the first place). Labour should also look at it long term and tell the fucker to piss off if he comes crawling back from Tory office looking to broker a deal. I have a feeling Nick Clegg will sell out and jump into bed with the posh boys, as he will feel more at home, and sod the people who voted for him. I bet a lot of people who voted thinking "I can't ever vote Tory, but I want a change from Labour, and the Liberals are like Labour, only more left wing" are kicking themselves now. Idiots. Many praises should also be strewn upon some of the leftie columnists who came out in support of Clegg instead of Brown. Thanks a lot you fuckwits, that would have cost Labour some marginal seats.

On a side note, I have experienced both extremes where I have lived. Bootle (where I grew up) is one of the strongest (if not the strongest) Labour seats, and proud to be so. I now live in Richmondshire, home of William Hague's constituency, and one of the Conservatives safest seats (if not the safest). Although there is still poverty in Richmondshire, a lot of the people who would benefit from a Labour government either don't vote, or vote Conservative. No wonder the Tories (and the papers that support them) treat the poor like fucking idiots. Don't blame me though - I voted (as I always have done) Labour.

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rocky and mugsy

Nathan and Mimsy (far right)

Rocky and Mugsy

Wow! Because I am a sad bastard and like to find things out if something is bugging me, I have been searching the internet for two cartoon characters that were like Nathan and Mimsy from the South Park episode 'Crippled Summer' that I saw earlier on this evening. Basically, what happens during the episode, is that Timmy and Jimmy go to a camp for the handicapped, where there are two teams competing against each other. Nathan and his stupid lump of a sidekick Mimsy try to cheat all the way through, so they can be on the winning team. So far, so good. The trouble is, during the show, the big one who is stupid kept asking questions, and then getting slapped by the small one and being told to shut up. This really annoyed me, as I was sure that it was nicked (paid homage) from an old cartoon, but could not remember which one. The FPO was no good, but after lots of searching on the net, I discovered it was the Looney Tunes characters Rocky and Mugsy. Sometimes it's not easy being a sad old bastard, but at least I will be able to sleep tonight.

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greece austerity measures

GREEK AUSTERITY MEASURES

Public sector pay frozen until 2014

Public sector salary bonuses - equivalent to two months' extra pay - scrapped or capped

Public sector allowances cut by 20%

State pensions frozen or cut; contribution period up from 37 to 40 years

Average retirement age up from 61 to 63; early retirement restricted

VAT increased from 19% to 23%

Taxes on fuel, alcohol and tobacco up 10%

One-off tax on profits, plus new gambling, property and green taxes

I have a feeling this sort of thing will be hitting the UK pretty soon, no matter who wins the election

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danny dyer and zoo

I do not think for one minute that Danny Dyer will write his own column for Zoo, but he is going to take a lot of shit for this. Zoo have said it was a "production error". What a flimsy and stupid statement. If they are going to be printing stuff like this, at least have the bottle to go with it and say that it is not meant to be taken seriously, it was all done tongue in cheek, it is aimed at a specific lads market etc etc. They may be wrong in their stance, but they obviously had no problems with printing it in the first place, and probably found it funny. If they are not going to back it up, they should just apologise, admit it was out of order, a mistake has been made, and it is was in bad taste. Go for it one way or the other, instead of being such spineless bastards. "Production error" Bah!

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manish sood and gordon brown

"I believe Gordon Brown has been the worst Prime Minister we have had in
this country.

"It is a disgrace and he owes an apology to the people and the Queen."

What a fucking twat Manish Sood is, to be saying this a couple of days before a general election, when he knows it will be picked up by all the Tory supporting newspapers and used as ammunition against Labour. He may well hold those views, and just because you are part of the Labour party, it doesn't hold that you necessarily have to agree with (or even like) Gordon Brown, but this is just destabilising when the election looks like it is going to be the closest one for years. If this sort of statement sways the odd indecisive voter into voting for the Tories and costing Labour seats, I am all for justice being dished out with a swift kick to the balls for Mr Sood.

He also has the gall to go on about immigration causing overcrowding, Christ on a shitty bike, has the man not got a mirror? He has obviously benefited from immigration, and no matter how cack handedly, is trying to change the system for what he believes is the better. Once again, these sort of statements (at any time) stir up the right wing, but this is playing into the hands of the BNP, UKIP and the Tories. He obviously wants self publicity at any cost to the Labour party or to fellow immigrants (who may now have a greater chance of discrimination or aggression used against them). What a fucking twat.

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wiliam hagues's house

To carry on with the politics theme, this is where our local representative William Hague lives. If you are looking for where it is, it is the building at the back, called Brough Hall, which is huge. It is of course the kind of place where the Tories can stay in touch with the common people (and where they can drink their14 pints a day in comfort). That's why I vote Conservative. Because I can't handle my ale, and may vote stupidly for a better all inclusive socialist society if I was sober.

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