'orrible creatures

Vampire moth

Spider crab

Sea spider

Coconut crab

Barreleye see through fish

What a strange old world it is out there. I wouldn't like to meet some of these close up

toodle pip

wayne coyne's house

This is amazing looking and it's the kind of thing I really like, kind of 'A Clockwork Orange' look about it. Wayne Coyne (from The Flaming Lips) calls this his home. Makes a change from all the bland shite that is always shown on Cribs, here's a man who knows his own mind, even if that mind may be a little off kilter. That's the kind of stuff I would like in my bathroom, wait until I win the bleeding lottery!

Respect to him and toodle pip

weekend fun

A man comes out of prison after accidentally shooting a policeman, and then starts seeing the policeman's wife, and his old flame

Mystery as a mother comes back from the dead and a husband is killed

I think I may have dropped my trousers at this point

Miserable boy

Another fine weekend has flown by (like the great pumpkin again). On Saturday, Robbo and Kerry turned up unexpectedly, just before the United v Everton game (3-1 to the Scousers). I watched the game with Robbo (after he had gone to Tesco's to get some food), and Kerry and Mandy went to the Farmers Arms for lunch. A fine morning, even though we chatted too much during the game, as we had a lot to catch up with. I think maybe too much piss taking was done after the girls got back, for which I blame alcohol and stress. After they had gone, Mandy went and got a couple of bottles of wine, so that was the evening taken care of. We did watch Volver, which was a bit slow but great. A Spanish film (subtitled) staring Penelope Cruise, it was a murder mystery and also humorous. It's the second film by Pedro Almadovar that we have just seen , the other one being Live Flesh (also subtitled), based on the Ruth Rendall book of the same name. Both of them were well worth the effort so I am currently looking out for more of his to watch, it is years since I saw Tie me up, Tie me down, and I can't remember if I have watched Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, so these are next on the list.
As usual, it was Match of the Day later, then pratting about on the computer until about 3.30am.

Sunday morning, had a read of the papers (The new look Observer!), then we got picked up by Rook and Deb as we were going to Louise and Dazzer's for Sunday lunch (even with my sore neck!). Dazzer did well, only dropped about 4 parsnips and 24 potatoes, but at least it tasted nice. I accepted his apology for being a grumpy git the week before, the girls got pissed, and we were back home by 6.30pm, so everything was hunky dory. Mandy conked out when we returned home, so I watched the Sunday Supplement, The Simpsons, American Dad, some of Gerry Adams talking about the life of Jesus, Match of the Day 2, then back to the computer until 4am. What a life. No work till Saturday, what bliss (even though United were beaten).

toodle pip

getting old

Here's a picture that has been on the wall by the rabbits cage for the last few years. It's my old mucker Robbo, and by old mucker I mean exactly that. Time catches up with us all, I don't know what year this was taken, (I would guess at 1992 as he is wearing my hat), but he is 50 this year. Time flies by (like the great pumpkin).

toodle pip

I am legend

So, I have just finished reading 'I am Legend' by Richard Matheson. It was really good, a vampire/science fiction novel originally published in 1954, mainly to do with loneliness and isolation. I had already seen the Will Smith film based on it, plus the Charlton Heston one (although I have not seen the Vincent Price one from 1964 (The Last Man on Earth). I preferred the book to the films but I would have enjoyed the films more if they stuck to the story, instead of throwing in all the Hollywood cliches.

In the book, Neville is by himself until he sees an injured dog out in the daylight. He spends weeks trying to feed it and bring it indoors, trying to build up the dogs trust in him. He eventually gets the dog inside, where it is still terrified of him, until it gets caught up in a blanket and Neville caresses and soothes it for hours. The dog then licks Neville for the first time. A week later, the dog is dead, as Neville could not save him. This brings home how lonely Neville is and his absolute despair at having hope in something, and losing the only companion he has found (Ruth does not appear till near the end, and she does not have a child with her, unlike the Will Smith film).

Also, as the Will Smith film wants to make him out to be a hero, he dies protecting and hiding the girl and child, plus he finds a vaccine which he gives to them to take back to the other live humans, thus saving mankind and becoming the legend of the title.

In the book it is a lot better. Because Neville has been killing the vampires risen from the dead and the live humans who have the infection, when he is caught at the end, he realises people have learnt to live with the disease (drugs and bacteria mutating), and he, because he had been going out and killing them, had become something fearsome to them, rather like the Dracula myth had been. He was the only human left without the infection, but he had become the freak/odd one and they were going to execute him (plus he never found a cure). Therefore he was a legend to them, a terrifying one, not a hero like Will Smith.

Don't get me started on the Charlton Heston movie, that is shit. He even gets captured and nearly burnt at the stake in Dodger stadium at one point. He also saves humanity with a serum and then dies in a Christ like/Crucifixion pose. Bloody Hollywood.

Looking foreward to the Vincent Price one!

toodle pip

happy birthday old trafford

The Gods themselves, Best Law and Charlton

Sir Matt

The Stretford End back in the good old days

Theatre of Dreams

Old Trafford, home of the Gods, is 100 years old today. The first match was against the arch enemy Liverpool, on 19th Feb 1910 (Don't ask the score), and although it has changed a lot over the years with it eventually becoming 'The Theatre of Dreams' (Bobby Charlton called it that), it's still Old Trafford to me.

I have had many a happy day out there, plus some days that were not so rewarding, but there's always another game on the horizon.

It's a shame the Stretford End is no longer what it was like in the picture above, and it is now so expensive to see a game. Football may well implode in on itself at some stage, so make the most of it all now.

toodle pip

nature photos

I can't remember which newspaper these were from (Telegraph?), but they are all pretty special.
It would be good to be able to take photos as good as these, but what with the equipment, time, effort, practise etc, let's face it, I have no chance of doing so.

Guess I will have to stick to multiple digital ones of holidays and family do's.

Can't go wrong there, always get the odd decent one! (photo, not family do's)

toodle pip

even more 3D art

out at the weekend

Went up to the Boro at the weekend for Louise's 40th birthday do. had to pick up Nora first as she was getting dropped off at Ken and Anne's. Also called in at Darlington to pick up the cake for Dazzer, and dropped that off with Nora in Stockton.

Stayed for a quick drink and chat, then off to Nunthorpe to Kerry and Robbos, for a couple of drinks and a longer chat, before Rook and Deb turned up (who were staying at Robbos and Kerry's with us).

Got a taxi to the restaurant (the Stables in Wynyard) and met everyone else there. Had a pretty good night, even though there was about 20 of us there. Managed to get a menu but it got streaks on it from the laminate cracking, as I had to roll it up to nick it. Damn!

Taxi back to Nunthorpe afterwards, where lots more booze was consumed and everyone (apart from me of course) was dancing till after 3am.

Still pissed the next day when we went to the Cross Keys for lunch. Rook and Deb went home (leaving Nora as far as I know), but we were joined (eventually) by Louise and Dazzer, plus John and Maria. They probably regretted coming as we (OK, mainly me) were a little bit loud and annoying, but hey ho, it's how Keith would behave.

Called in at the Lodge on the way home, which was bloody freezing, so we went to JT's instead, which was pretty full because of the rugby (yawn). Only the one drink and back home for a clean up and bed.

Got up and potted about on Monday, then went to the Wine bar to meet Joe. Unfortunately (or rather, stupidly), I did not have any food before going out (or when I got back). I went to use the loo later on, got out of bed, walked to the loo and then BINGO! lights out. Don't remember anything apart from Mandy trying to get into the loo and waking me up, asking if I was OK. I must have collapsed and banged my head on the toilet or the side of the bath, as I now have a sort neck and back. Luckily, I spoke to my boss at work and I don't have to come in until Saturday - result! It's worth the pain to be off, watching films and listening to music (plus United beating Madrid 3-2 at the San Siro). I have got to remember to eat in the future though, as I could easily have fallen down the stairs and ended up somewhere dodgy, with someone like me taking care of me.

I'll have to stock up on chocolate or something for future occasions.

toodle pip

more 3D art

3D art

This all looks amazing - 3D art on pavements. Very clever indeed, I may put some more up later

toodle pip

infinity

I have never had a great problem with space being infinite, therefore meaning endless possibilities. Somewhere in space, there will be a planet the same as ours, with everything the same, except it is one second ahead, or two seconds behind, or one small particle is missing. It can all happen if there are an infinite amount of planets and possibilities.
Obviously, some people think I am a raving madman to hold such views, but I have just been reading that Hugh Everett III (look him up) agrees with the theory (called Many Worlds interpretation of Quantum Theory) and thinks there are infinite realities.
I am maybe not so mad after all.
toodle pip

two cats

Non-existent smiles. Eyes begging for mercy. Confined to a cage. Scars etched into their fur and souls. They suffer in silence. There's nothing cute about isolation. Depression.

toodle pip

why people watch mad men

work dragging on

Another day nearly over and a bit closer to the weekend. Really looking foreward to having some time off, work is dragging a bit at the moment. Still, just about to have an early night and whack the ipod on, as I didn't get to sleep till the early hours of this morning and I was then woken up by the phone. Only one more sleepover shift to go (Wednesday) and at least I will have the United v Villa game to watch while I am at work. Then it's the last day for a while. Great stuff, although it will be called upon me to be the life and soul of the party at the weekend, as there is a big birthday (40th) meal for Louise. I had better reserve my energies.
toodle pip

pissed off

Well, it's Sunday night and I am pissed off. Been at work overnight and more work to come until Thursday afternoon, as I don't finish till 2.30pm on Thursday. Might have to indulge in the Euro lottery this week, don't usually do it but it would certainly be good to win a few million, that's the last they would see of me. At work again tomorrow at 3pm but don't feel like going to bed at the moment. Trouble is, I am just prating about on the computer but not really doing anything or taking stuff in. Just had some bad news confirmed, which didn't help, so I don't feel like sleeping, but finding it difficult to relax. Think I will go downstairs and watch something on TV or cuddle up to the rabbit. Deep joy.
toodle pip

worried

Another glorious win for United today - or was it? It may well have been a 5-0 win against Portsmouth, but let's face it, they are crap. Portsmouth still nearly managed to score and should have been ahead, plus they conceded three own goals. I know United were all over them and should have scored two more, but David James did not have that many saves to make, mainly long range shots, with most of them flying over the bar. Maybe I am just too much of a pessimist sometimes, remembering the 1970's and 80's when United always used to blow it. Maybe I just don't like to be too happy as I know things can quickly go wrong, but although I am generally cheerful and optimistic, I am worried about the future. Milan is coming up, let's hope things work out.
toodle pip

The Jesus and Mary Chain - North London Poly Riot

Rock and fucking roll!!

understanding comics and once an addict

I finished both of these books today, as I am still ploughing through the ones in the house that I have not read yet (and I am still buying more!). I got Understanding Comics for Christmas and it was really interesting, talking about what comics are and the history of the art form. It mentioned some stuff that I was not aware of, which means I have even more stuff to buy, check out, and store in the house (somewhere).

As for the Addict book, I picked it up in a second hand shop a couple of weeks ago, as I thought it may be interesting and it was cheap. It was OK for a while, interesting but not that great, until lo and behold, on page 105, he senses God for the first time. To cut a long story short, he eventually gives up the drugs and becomes a Minister with the Evangelical Church.

This is after a few false leads by God and more spells in prison, but he gets there in the end.

The thing I hate is God is never questioned, there is always an explanation for why things didn't work out when he was following God's signs etc. Also, the way the evangelical (or other religions as well), start to use crappy sayings " The Bible is an instruction book and stands for "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth". This sort of crap really annoys me. I am a thicko about a lot of stuff, but I do know the word 'Bible' comes from the Greek 'Biblia', which represents a collection of books, which the Bible is. Some gospels were put in, some left out. Some contradict each other. A lot of the Old Testament can be kicked into touch once the New Testament starts. A lot of it has been proven to be false. If you date the timeline from the beginning of the Bible (As Bishop Usher did), the Earth is only just over 6,000 years old. No one in their right mind thinks this now. It is a collection of stories, some based on historical events, some based on earlier epics, some just made up. If you want to believe in it, go ahead, but leave me alone. We would be so much better off without religion. The asylums are full of people who think they are God, Jesus, on a mission from a higher power or whatever.

When I die, I will happily take my chances. I don't think ants or termites have souls, I don't see why we should have them. We are no better off for Jesus supposedly dying for our sins, as we still have to embrace God or go to Hell.

Pah! Bring it on - let's find out!

Rant over - toodle pip

visit to pauls

Well, we eventually got to Leeds to visit Paul, Carol and Kimberly.

The FPO was too knackered to go, so I took Linda and the kids (plus Matt). Paul was on fine form, pretty pissed when we got there and then more pissed by the time we left. You can see their reaction to one of Paul's tales in the photo above. The visit was meant to be at Christmas/New Year time, but because of the weather and work commitments (plus only having one car at the moment), we had not been able to go until yesterday.

Had to put up with the kids ipod playing on the way down, as I thought I would be generous and let them listen to what they want. Soon changed my mind about that, after an hour of non stop rock music that they like (Minor Self Indulgence, Blink 182 etc). They had their chance and blew it, so it was back to my ipod for the journey home (The Beta Band). They will learn in time, the poor misguided fools. I remember what I was like at that age, I loved rock music, but also listened to stuff like Dean Martin and Johnny Cash, plus lots of pop stuff. Their tastes just seem so narrow. Bloody kids today. When I was a lad.......

toodle pip

rip torn

The US actor Rip Torn (Larry Sanders, Men in Black) has just been arrested for going into a bank in Connecticut with a loaded gun while very (very) drunk. He apparently was so drunk, he thought he was at home and even left his boots and hat in the doorway. He has been done before for drink related offences (drink driving etc) but this offence really tops them all. How drunk must he have been to even imagine in his wildest dreams that a bank is his home. He might be rich, but come on! That is drunker than I have ever been, and Lord knows, I have been drunk in my time. he must be mental.

He is also 78.

toodle pip

best and hancock

A couple of days ago I received a copy of "Goal" magazine (from 1971) that I bought on eBay (yes, I know the Internet is magnificent). This had a rather large feature on George Best (which is why I bought it), asking if he was too big for his boots and whether he was losing it or not (he was). At the time, George was only 24 years old, had been European footballer of the year 3 years before, and still had the world at his feet.

Sadly, we all know how it went from then on.

I was also watching some Tony Hancock earlier on. Another guy who had the world (well, the UK) at his feet, but decided to get rid of everyone around him, and lost his touch, until his suicide in 1968. I much preferred his radio shows with Sid James, Bill Kerr and Hattie Jacques. They made you use your imagination a lot and of course, they were brilliantly written by Ray Galton and Alan Simpson, who Hancock also got rid off (the idiot). They just carried on the format and had more success with Steptoe and Son, while Hancock got less and less funny as time went by.

Some people just don't realise when they have it so good, and can't help destroying it all.

toodle pip

up the arse - 3-1 away

Another magnificent win by the wonderful boys in black. Arsenal had some chances, but United should have scored more and dominated most of the game.
Nani was superb in the first half of the game, and has had the best week of his United career. Another sweet result in a sweet week to be a United fan.
Who needs Vidic and Rio? (only joking, I hope Vidic stays at United).
Let's hope Arsenal batter Chelsea next week, and United don't relax too much against Portsmouth.
Bring on Milan!
toodle pip

haiti on facebook

This is doing the rounds on Facebook at the moment. I was only saying to the FPO last night that most people are pretty racist deep down.
I definitely know some of my works colleagues would agree with this and send it on
Idiots

"Shame on you ENGLAND!!!!!! The only country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, mentally Ill without treatment and British servicemen and women fighting without the best kit - yet we donate £50 million to the people of Haiti...
99% of people won't have the guts to copy and re post this"

toodle pip

Aphex Twin - Come to Daddy [HQ]

Hadn't seen this for ages - rocking (and creepy)

money money money and drummy

I can't believe how much money has just slipped through my poor little hands today, and I have been at work for most of it!
Had to pay the paper bill for one thing, 12 weeks worth, although that was only for the Observer every Sunday. Guess the cost though - £26.40!! Then there was my lottery bonus ball at the pub, ink for the printer, money for Mowgli's cremation, the lottery at work, money I owed Ritchie from Monday, Hayley's birthday money (birthday was today), etc etc...
And I am still sober! Called in the Wine bar to drop off my lottery money and never even had a pint, even though my sister was in there (amongst others).
Whaaatttt the Hell is going on?
Also, nearly forgot. Got a phone call from my sister last night to say Drummy from Gateshead had died. The autopsy was today apparently, but the word at the moment, is it was a blood clot related to him doing his ankle in over Christmas (he spent Christmas day in hospital). She was a bit upset as she had been with him the night he did his ankle in, and saw him for a bit (so to speak).
That is bound to cheer her up.
toodle pip

kill your friends and moses roper

I finished both of these books today, and enjoyed them, but in completely different ways.

The Moses Roper one is exactly what it says on the cover, it's a narrative of his escape to freedom from Carolina, USA, in the 1830s, and boy, didn't it take some escaping (coupled with lots and lots of lashings).

It certainly makes you remember how cushy our lives are and how it was not that long ago when all this happened (the slave trade and mistreatment of the slaves).

Then again, our lives are no-where near as cushy as the life depicted in Kill Your Friends.

This is about a record company A and R man (Steven Stelfox), who has a well paid job, doing hardly any work, but sails along with nothing to guide him except for cocaine, prostitutes and drink. Nice job if you can get it.

The trouble is, he starts to fall apart, and murders ensure. A really dark and funny book, which pulls apart the record industry, gives lots of names for coke, and is based around the advent of Brit Pop (mentioning real people).

You would not like to have been in Moses Ropers shoes, but Steven Stelfox? Certainly would have been good for a lot of it (I won't say which bits).

toodle pip

megan and mowgli

Another fine day today. I was at work earlier on and took someone to Megan’s funeral at St Annes in the Village. There were quite a few people there as she was 82 and a lot of people in Catterick Village knew her. It was a bit strange though, as she only had one daughter, and she spoke during the service about trying to be friends with her mother and not succeeding.
I only knew Megan as a nice old lady in the Village, but it was clear that she could be hard on people as well as caring and generous.
I took B up to the front for wine and bread, but had to be extra careful as we had to walk past the coffin which was raised up on a flimsy looking platform, so there was a chance B might have knocked it off. That would have been something to see, but luckily for me (and everybody else), everything was OK.
Also went to get the remains of Mowgli today, as he had come back from the crematorium (not by his own steam of course). Got presented with a paper bag with a box inside, but upon opening the box, discovered a smaller green container with the ashes in, plus a card. It also had Mowgli’s name on it which was a really thoughtful thing for them to do, so top marks to them. Looks like that is where Jacko will be going when he pops it (or beforehand if I keep finding puke).
Not sure where to store Mowgli at the moment, but as long as the box does not get knocked so the ashes spill out, I don’t really mind.
Nozzer might get stuffed.
Toodle pip

3-1 against ciddy

Hurrah!!

Another great night of football from the wonderful Manchester United. At long last they are starting to play better, and should have scored another couple of goals to clinch it earlier, but what the hell, victory is soooo sweet.

I am not even that bothered about City normally, but there is no way I wanted United to lose this one. In fact I don't even care that much if we lose the final against Villa (although naturally,I would rather we won it). This was more important by miles. Fantastic result.

Bring on the Arse on Sunday.

Football, it's great!

toodle pip

my trusty steed

Due to the sad demise of my car, I have been cycling to work each day, and I am either getting faster or my clock at home needs looking at (probably the clock). I cycled in today, only to find I was ten minutes early for work. That, trust me, is the last thing I want to be doing, so I shall be setting of later on Thursday. I would rather be late than early, I am not mad, and my time is precious (I am not getting any younger).
Now I just have to make sure I avoid any dog shit.
toodle pip

nicolas cave

Nicolas Cage's "epic spending spree" in 2007, by his investment adviser: three homes costing $33m plus; 22 cars, including nine Rolls Royces; 12 pieces of expensive jewellery and 47 pieces of artwork.

How rich and how bored must he have been. Talk about keeping yourself busy. There is no way he could have enjoyed all of them, he needs to get himself a proper hobby (which I suppose he has, buying lots of stuff).
No wonder he dosn't do lots of films.
toodle pip

should go to bed

This is like me. I have just spent about two hours looking at nothing in particular, just pottering about. I should really go to bed as I will be woken up at about 7.30am. No wonder I am knackered. Trouble is, so much stuff is out there on the net, and I am just soooo curious!

toodle pip

edna and damage

Had a good time with Robbo and Kerry in the Boro at the weekend, Joe Rigatoni's on Friday night and the Cross Keys on Saturday. They told me that Damage had died (a lad from the Boro that we knew). I wasn't really surprised, in fact they said "Have you heard about Damage?", to which I replied "Is he dead?".

We also talked about how time is flying by. It is 11 years nearly, since that glorious night that Manchester United won the treble in 1999. We are certainly not getting any younger, but could all do with having loads more money to live life to the full before dying (lots more travel etc).

It is also a year since Edna died. That also does not seem that long ago, but the programme of service above confirms the dates.

Wonder how many more will be going this year. I can't believe Rab and Joe F have long left, but I have thought that for a while. They will probably both outlive me. Gits.

toodle pip

Nolan's Cheddar

Probably the best advert I have ever seen

look at me!

As I am off work again (no work till Tuesday afternoon!), It is back to watching films, listening to music, and reading.
I have been lying in bed reading Giles Smith’s ‘Lost in Music’ which was good, and resonated with me during some of the chapters (Marc Bolan, The Faces), but overall, I was not that bothered about it, although I was glad I had read it.
On the other hand, Dom Joly’s book ‘Look at Me, Look at Me’ was surreal and hilarious in places. Had a few passages where I laughed out loud (old school writing - not LOL), and I was glad I was not reading it on a bus or train.
It is meant to be his autobiography, but although it is based on facts, it careers off into wild tangents in the unlikeliest of places, when you are least expecting it to do so.
I will have to invest in some more of his stuff if it is similar.
Ah well, back to the dossing about!

Toodle pip

waltz with bashir

What a fantastic film this was. It's a documentary, but done with animation. Watched it a couple of nights ago on Sky+, deleted it by accident and am now going to have to buy the DVD as I want to see it again (and own it, like the sad hoarder I am).

Never heard of it before, don't know how, as it's just the sort of thing I go for.

More information about it here :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waltz_with_Bashir

toodle pip

James Galea (Card Trick) Comedy Festival Gala 2009

very clever

return of the poo EXPLICIT PICTURES!!!!!

Look what happened to me just before going to bed last night! I felt as though I needed to go to the loo and then all my bowels fell out. I sat reading on the loo for about 30 minutes and just kept pooing and pooing, every few minutes. The stench was unbelievable. The wallpaper was peeling off the walls and the cat was too scared to come upstairs. I could see the toilet roll trying to shrivel up and get out of sight, in the hope of avoiding it. The floorboards were curling up at the edges. I had tears in my eyes as the mist nearly overpowered me.

In the end it was the consistency of water again, just like last Friday, and after the half hour I did not believe there was any poo left in me. I was two stone lighter and possessed a sore bum again. It was the most poo I have ever done in one sitting - ever! It does not look like a lot in the top photo, but believe me matey boys, that is one hell of a full toilet!

It is even more than the green poo I did in New York a few years ago. At the time I thought that was a lot to discharge in one sitting (and it was), but this easily surpassed it. The green poo was fascinating, but this was just constant, again and again. Maybe somebody is trying to poison me. The smell of the poo certainly was.

After getting cleaned up, leaving the loo and securing the loo door to trap the smell, I thought Hurrah!! It's all over and I can now relax.

How wrong I was.

I needed to go again 15 minutes later and produced more (the picture with less in). One quick evacuation but no more.

Thankfully I did not poo the bed afterwards, and I have not continued pooing, although I am still not feeling 100% right.

I have not had to take any more Imodium (at the moment), so it will be interesting to see how it progresses.

As I am at work again at the moment, I can't afford any mishaps, so I shall be sleeping with one eye open tonight, and hopefully that is all that will be open during the night.

toodle pip

carling cup semi final first leg

Bloody football.
What is happening with Manchester United? Just lost to Ciddy 2-1 at their council ground, with Tevez (of course) scoring both of their goals.
At least United dominated most of the game and played better than they have been doing. Looking good at 1-0 up till that wanker Mike Dean gave them a penalty, when it should have been a free kick outside the box for shirt pulling by Rafael.
That got them back into it, they played better at the start of the second half and we never took our chances.
Still, beat Hull on Saturday and we may go top of the league!
God knows how with some of the football that has been played this year.
We have a lot of improving to do before the Milan games in the Champions League. Let's hope Rio and Vidic are back soon (and Rio plays better than he did before getting injured).
toodle pip

thrust that chicken and rear that goose

This is from a lexicon dating from the 17th century, listing the correct terms for carving meat.

To Carve, is to Cut up a Dish of Meat, but according to the Meats, use these Terms for their Carving

Break that Deer.
Leach that Brawn.
Unlace that Coney.
Chine that Salmon.
String that Lamprey.
Splat that Pike.
Sauce that Plaice and Tench.
Splay that Bream.
Side that Haddock.
Tusk that Barbell.
Culpon that Trout.
Fin that Chevin.
Transon the Eel.
Tranch that Strgeon.
Tire that Egg.
Undertranch that Purpus.
Tame that Crab.
Barb that Lobster.
Dight that Crevis.
Rear that Goose.
Lift that Swan.
Sauce that Capon.
Spoil that Hen.
Frust that Chicken.
Unbrace that Duck or Mallard.
Dismember that Hern.
Display that Crane.
Disfigure that Peacock.
Unjoynt that Bittern.
Untach that Curlew, and Brew.
Allay that Pheasant.
Wing that Patridge, and Quail.
Mince that Plover.
Thigh that Pigeon, and Woodcock.
Cut up that Turky and Bustard.
Break that Teal or Sarcel.

toodle pip