beyond the moon and knocking on heavens door

These were two of the documentaries l watched over the weekend. Both were interesting and had some footage l thought might not appear (USA disasters and USSR dodgy experiments), but the best bits were the photos from Hubble and images of space (in all it's infinite glory). I am worried they have made me an evangelical agnostic (OK, they have not, l was one already).

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funeral at darlington crematorium and blackwell grange

What a gay afternoon. Went to the work funeral at Darlington Crematorium, then back to The Blackwell Grange for a cup of tea (I drank Jack and Coke).

Rather sadly, l was asked by the family (about 2 minutes before the task) to carry the coffin from the hearse into the crematorium (obviously l leapt at the chance).

Of course l was more that willing to oblige, as it was a last minute invitation and l did not have to think about it beforehand, but it was also an experience l was not planning on getting from the day. I was also at the front, and led, so l suppose that is also something else to tick off, but the coffin dust made it look as though l had loads of dandruff (the FPO wiped it off).

Had to make small talk with the family afterwards then back to sunny old Catterick for a couple of quick ales before going home.

Met one of the staff team who had been at the funeral, and lo and behold, she received a call while we were talking and drinking that said her nan had died. What an end to the day.

Then again.... heartless bastard that l am, it gave me an excuse to have another ale, then myself and the FPO left the staff member, got some chips and wine for home, and buggered off. A good day for myself and the FPO, not so good for work related stuff and deaths.

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cemetery junction

By Jimminy Jesus, l have just watched a really crap film that l had high hopes for. Cemetery Junction (an a actual place in Reading) is about 3 young whipper snappers coming to age in 1973 Reading, one trying to better himself, one violent, and one an idiot. Sounds like me and my mates 12 miles away at RAF Benson at the same time, only we were not so stereo typically shit as characters. The best scenes were in the kitchen of Ricky Gervais (OK, his character, l assume based on his father), arguing and making asides with his family. Top stuff. The rest of the film was so mind blowingly predictable and unbelievable it was annoying. Some of the music choices were top notch (Life's a Gas) but fucking Brotherhood of Mans 'Save all your kisses for me' crap was not a Eurovision winner until 1976 and was not even started as a song until 1974. Anyone who knows me understands how angry this sort of re- writing of musical history of songs makes me (and l mean angry - proper Hulk style angry). Luckily, there was so much other crap in the film that annoyed me, l did not end up killing the cat/rabbit or FPO. I hate not liking this sort of stuff though, as l am a scumbag from the same era, and l love Ricky Gervais and Steve Merchants stuff (especially the radio shows). I feel like l am letting one of my own down, but when something is crap, it's crap.

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hard days filming this morning

Spent all morning filming, now I'm off to a funeral. What fun!

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mowgli and nozzer

Looking through some old photos tonight and came across this one of poor little Nozzer boy and the rather ratty looking Mowgli from Christmas 2009. Now we are stuck with Jacko and Tubbs - both of them fucking idiots.

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sigourney weaver screen test for alien

This is the screen test for Alien (1979) , with Sigourney Weaver. I haven't seen the film for many years, but just look at all the smoking that is going on. You forget how prevalent it was back in the day.

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facebook corrections

Whoever this Daniel is, this is an excellent way of winding people up, and he is right, they do make it too easy for him

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work at tottenham court road

I haven't been down to London recently, but one of the areas l was most familiar with was around Tottenham Court Road, as it is around there where l like to drink. Looks like l am going to be lost next time l am down though, as the photos of the work being done means the old place would certainly have changed. Hope they haven't knocked down too many pubs.

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the northern lights

The Aurora from Terje Sorgjerd on Vimeo.

Mmmm - nice

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work work work

And then l come home to grass cutting duties. More later (yeh yeh, very exciting)

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the royal wedding video

And if they did this, l would probably hate them that little bit more (if that was possible)

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cheap fecking 50p flights

l have certainly experienced that (the flights, not the girls)

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women with steve buscemeyes eyes

Tina Fey from 30 Rock

The girls from Friends

It just looks so wrong, but those eyes are like mine, and l am lovely. It is doing my head in, l can't compute, the world is off it's axis etc....

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david bowie the glam god

Bowie when he was a space alien superstar - l loved this stuff

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backflip penalty

This is like me back in the day - a flash bastard (but l would have broken my neck if l tried a backflip)

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9 ways guys pee

So true - click to enlarge

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last of the laughing owls

And so they give that little bit more..

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some maths 1 = 0.999

This has been blowing my tiny mind recently. 1 can be the same as 0.999. Bloody maths

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joss stone is dodgy (or dusty)

How shit and up her arse does this sound? I actually used to like her, as she had a great voice (I own two of her early cds/lps), but it should have been put to a better use over the last few years. She seems to have been swayed by the good old US of A more than most stars. IMHO (In my humble opinion) she would have done better sticking to her earlier roots and building on her credibility (which was sky high in the early years) and having a long lasting career. Obviously she may well prove me wrong and prove how unswitched on l am, but l doubt it.

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winter snow by northallerton hospital

Back to work today, but it's not so bad, as l am looking forward to the Manchester United v Chelsea second leg tonight. I also don't have to keep visiting the hospital at Northallerton at the moment, but as l have been sorting out some photos from my mobile, l have found these from one of my last visits. It's nice and sunny outside and so much the better for it, you forget how cold it can be in winter. Bring on the summer l say, l have been in the hammock once this year already, but l want to be lazing in it on a regular basis. The only bad thing is it is also time to cut the grass and sort the front bushes out. Damn.

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dogboarding

Dogboarding from DANIELS on Vimeo.

Don't know how they managed to make this, but it looks pretty damn realistic

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neil diamond documentary

I have just been watching a BBC documentary on Neil Diamond, which was pretty good (from what l could hear over the cat meowing), although nothing too special. The weirdest bit was watching Neil doing a screen test for the part of Lenny Bruce in the film 'Lenny', which eventually went to Dustin Hoffman. I like the Lenny film a lot but it was just strange watching someone else doing it. It's like what losing your marbles must feel like, if you start doubting your own memory of events or history, and seeing them in a way that you can't understand or take in. I can't find the clip on You Tube, but here's my favourite Neil Diamond song. I may go and dig out 12 songs now and play them (one of the albums he did with Rick Rubin).

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more laughing owls

The gift that keeps on giving

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ironic mug shots part 58

More idiots

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weekend fun and games

Been a busy old weekend. Went to the caravan park on Friday evening for Dazzer's birthday, taking Nora with us. Ken and Ann were there as well (they took Nora back), so we had a chill out (with chilli) and sank a few ales. When we arrived at the site, Louise and Ann came to open the gate for us, and just as they got there, there was a loud bang, from a crash on the main road, just as you turn into the site. Louise nabbed my phone, which l foolishly thought was for her to take some pictures, but she rang for an ambulance instead (damn!). We went up to the crash, but apart from some people being in shock, there were no casualties or major injuries, despite the land rover involved having turned over onto its roof. I thought l was going to have to get stuck in with my extensive first aid knowledge, but it was not needed. Still couldn't get any photos, as Louise had then buggered off with my phone, so l missed out there. Anyhows.... the FPO drove back at the end of the evening, so we could sleep in our own bed, as we where meeting Robbo and Kerry the next day.

This we duly did, with me and Robbo going to the Wine Bar and JT's, while the girls went for lunch and met us later. Sat outside in the sun, regaling the other lads with our saucy tales, then me and the FPO stayed out till about 8pm with Lonnie and Emma (but we were a bit tipsy by then). Another excellent day.

Quiet day in on Sunday as we both had some work to do (after l had watched the footie). Louise and Dazzer* came to visit in the afternoon, and l had to drop off some work in Richmond, so that meant a trip to the shops for sugar and wine. Baths, reading and TV was the order of the evening.

It's a hard life.

*Suppose l had better add that Lauren was also involved in the weekends events

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laughing owls

What's not to like (does that sentence even make sense?). Anyway - laughing owls. Excellent.

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brazilian taxi driver does michael jackson

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Genius - the taxi drivers around Catterick are shit compared to this

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crazy animals

This photo just looks so fantastic. That's it.

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awaydays and hot tub time machine

I enjoyed the Awaydays (2009) film, which is based on the same named book (1988) by Kevin Sampson, but it was a lot more homo-erotic than l remembered in the book. It concerns a group of Tranmere Rovers fans who travel on the train to cause a rucus. As usual in these type of films, it's to do with male bonding, in this case between Carty (Stephen Graham) and Elvis (Liam Boyle). It is also about who you can trust, standing your ground etc, before some kind of revelatory bit at the end. Good shots of the trainers and an excellent soundtrack, but some really crap haircuts.

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) was crapper than the haircuts in Awaydays. I only started watching it because John Cusack starred, and he was great in the film version of High Fidelity. What a mistake. Four lads go back to the 1980's in a hot tub for (supposedly) hilarious results. I lasted about 40 minutes. I would also have let their mate, Lou (Rob Corddry) commit suicide, rather than be stuck with him at the ski resort. There was nothing funny or loveable about him, an American version of a wild party animal past his sell by date. Very dire.

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The reverend harold francis davidson

'Covering up the girls modesty'

Preaching

With his barrel

That bloody Lion, God's representative

Having a pyjama party with some young girls

The above mentioned Reverend was the Rector of Stiffkey in Norfolk, but was better known for heading off into Soho at every chance to 'rescue young girls'. He preached in Norfolk on Sundays, but would get the Monday morning train to London. He would then stay in London until the Saturday night train back. Between 1919 and 1932, he estimated he had 'helped' two to three thousand girls.

He was however, investigated by the Bishop of Norfolk and on the 29th March 1932, the self-styled Prostitutes' Padre was charged at Church House in Westminster in a Consistory Court, (which has no jury and is presided over, in place of a judge, by what is called a Chancellor of the Diocese).The Rector was found guilty of five counts of immoral conduct and was was charged £8,205 costs. Church career over.

He then travelled the country protesting his innocence, doing stunts such as fasting in a barrel, being put in an oven and poked by the devil (not the real one), and working with a lion. It was the lion that eventually turned on him, mauling him to such an extent that he died of his injuries a couple of days later, on 30th July 1937.

I was interested in this as he may be a distant relation. Also, a lot of the statements applying to him could also have been directed to me.

"He was utterly besotted and bewitched by pretty young girls"

"Davidson would walk around the streets of the West End all week essentially stalking and pursuing girls wherever he went"

"Whether it was attactive young actresses, shop girls or waitresses none of them were particularly safe from the the glint in his eye"

"I was picking up in this way roughly, an average of about 150 to 200 girls a year"

Certainly all sounds familiar to me

For the full story and more photos, go here

http://www.nickelinthemachine.com/

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mani on the stone roses reunion

I saw the Stone Roses in Leeds back in the day when their first album was released, and love both of their albums. I also love Primal Scream (where Mani is to be found touting his wares nowadays). I even love Ian Brown's solo albums, that's how devoted to the cause l am.

The story recently, is that Ian Brown and John Squire (from the Roses) met up at Mani's mum's funeral, had a few drinks, and got on. This has led to speculation in the tabloids that the Stone roses are to reform (yawn). Mani's response is priceless...

"Two old friends meeting up after 15 years to pay their respects to my mother does not constitute the reformation of The Stone Roses. Please fuck off and leave it alone. It isn't true and isn't happening."

Love the man. Also, as a reminder of how a good thing can be spoiled by dragging around it's rotting bleeding and stinking corpse which is well past it's sell by date, here's the Stone Roses at Reading Festival, with Ian Brown on top form (especially at 2.25 seconds in).




Best to remember the good times and leave it at that, there's enough good music about now, so get into that instead.

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todd snider

I have been listening to a lot of Todd's stuff recently, and when he is good, he is very, very good indeed. Check how young is in the grunge song. Age, it catches up with all of us eventually. I (once again) blame God.

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touching yourself

That's an easy one to answer - YES!!!

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richard herring does the first page of the new testament

This is the clever bit from the show when he recites the first page of The New Testament, but he'll never get back the four days it took him to learn it. Still impressive.

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harry rednapp on wayne rooney

So Harry Rednapp thinks that Rooney is a silly boy for swearing. Not that he would ever do it himself or anything like that.

"I haven't heard what he said as I was driving back from Wigan but I've read what's been reported in the papers,"

"I don't know why he did that. I don't remember Bobby Charlton doing that when he used to smack goals into the top corner from 35 yards.

"Why do these young players have to be so angry with the world? I don't know why. They are getting hundreds of thousands of pounds a week.

"I respect him (Rooney) as a player but he is a silly boy for what he did and he shouldn't have done it."

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mothers day and richard herring - christ on a bike - the second coming

Eventually got to Stockton yesterday for Mother's Day at the in laws. Had to wait ages for the FPO to get ready (even though she had been in all morning while l was at work), then had to go to Tesco's for flowers and booze. We had curry on the go all day (not for the first or last time), which was pretty good to pick at while drinking bottles of booze with the father in law (the one who does not want tales of ice pops being repeated). The FPO was trying to interest me in her sisters bambino, but once the crying started (from the baby, not me), l got out of it.

Left about 6.45pm to head to Darlington, then straight into Inside Out Comedy Club, at what used to be known as Perrys. Had two spare tickets which the club took to resell, then time for a quick ale and into the club itself. It was the first time l had been in there since it became a comedy club, and it was a pretty good venue for seeing a comic, as it only had about 100 or so people in, and everyone is reasonably close to the stage. Worked out that it is a pretty good living playing to that kind of audience, as you are still taking about £1,000 a night, plus whatever merchandise you can sell afterwards. Obviously there are overheads, and the club/promoter etc will get some dosh, but it's still better money than most bands get.

Anyhows, Richard Herring was really good. Not a laugh out loud all the way through kind of comedy show, but amusing and interesting. It was about an hour and a half altogether (there was a short interval for more ale) and really well written. He also did a good bit when he reeled off the first page of the New Testament (who begat who), which he said took him four days to learn.

I did have a quick heckle when he asked near the end if anyone thought he was Christ, where l shouted "You're not the Messiah, just a silly boy", which of course is from Monty Python's Life of Brian, but slightly incorrect, as they say "naughty boy", not "silly". This of course was picked up by Richard Herring, and he put me down for not shouting the proper quote. When speaking to him afterwards, l started to fox him by saying l did not know there was a quote and what film was he on about, but the God fearing FPO could not keep quiet, so told him l did know. Foiled again!

At least he signed my programme 'To Jamie, the real Messiah!', so it turned out alright in the end (although he probably thinks l'm a fucking idiot). Another uneventful night ticked off.

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mothers day

Hard day at work this morning after a long night last night. Even the FPO stayed up late, which she has done for two nights running. I think she must be ill. Trying to hint for her to bugger off and go on the computer or go to bed, as l wanted to watch Match Of The Day (to re-watch the Manchester United 4-2 comeback against West Ham), and l had work to go to in the morning. As it was, l ended up staying up later myself, as l watched it after she had gone to bed. At present, l am waiting for her to get her arse in gear and get herself ready, as we are heading to the in laws for mothers day, then off to see Richard Herring in Darlington. It's all go round these parts.

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the sensational alex harvey band - framed

What a front man Alex was. Magic stuff.

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Drink! Feck! And the CEO!!!!

My idiotic FPO has a blog and was writing a draft for it, but foolishly put this amongst my stuff, so l am uploading it to show how mad she is. That'll teach her to be more careful in the future!

I am only writing because I have not updated for so long - this is down to my tendency to procrastinate (think I have already mentioned that) and in contradiction; too much Goddamn work (work - work) and work (college - work) means that I would much rather spend any spare time watching, oh so much insipid mind-destroying crap on the goggle box. I know Americas Next Top Model is shite, I know Four Weddings in absolute Poo, yes, I know Katie is bollocks, and of course I know Master Chef (cooking doesn't get tougher than this!!) is just SO ......................... well, undignified.........!

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