Stupid Cat in Yogurt Box

I want that cat!!

old footie

I've been watching some old football matches on TV recently and it's amazing how much the game has changed. lt resembles football but from a completely different planet, the pitches are muddy, the tackles flying in (with hardly any bookings), hardly any foreign players and loads of old crowd chants that you don't hear at grounds anymore. Makes me realise how much l miss some of the chanting. Favorites are :
"You're going to get your fucking heads kicked in"
"We'll meet you in the car park"
"We're United, we're mental, we're off our fucking heads"
"Six foot two, eyes of blue, big Jim Holton's after you"
Also the Manchester United song that is "We are United, the cocks of the North. We hate you Scousers, you Cockneys of course (and Leeds)" ls missing the "and Leeds" bit. When did that come in? Seems as though it was always there. The song doesn't sound right now without it.
God l am getting old - still, Manchester United should beat Wigan tonight to nearly win the title. Hopefully clinch it against Arsenal at the weekend, when l will be watching the game in Budapest. Bring it on!
toodle pip

Nearly holiday time (again)

Last day at work coming up tomorrow, then it's a couple of days off before heading off to sunny Budapest. Suppose l had better sort out some funds for the trip (Hungarian Croats?) as it will probably take a bit longer to get the money exchanged. Off to the pictures tomorrow night at work, so it's not exactly going to be difficult work (mind you, depends what the film is like that we decide to see).

May have to cut to grass while l am off, its getting mighty long now, though l am tempted to pay someone to cut it for me. l will see how l feel and what the weather is like this week.
Speaking off which, the six day forecast in the Observer today has it down as fair weather for the next couple of days, then rain for the rest of the week. l still do not believe they can forecast more than 2 or 3 days in advance so l will keep an eye on it. Mind you, it's difficult not to keep an eye on the weather, unless l stay in bed all day, which, let's face it, is always an option.

Only just managed to get onto the computer today as Mandy has had it in constant use doing her Uni work. Gives me ample time to watch footie and read though. Beat Manchester City today and should stuff Wigan on Wednesday. lf that all goes according to plan, it means Manchester United will hopefully win the league against Arsenal while we are in Budapest. Hurrah!

Haven't watched tonight's Reunion of Fawlty Towers yet, just seen some clips. What the hell is wrong with Connie Booth now? She looks like an old grannie with too much white make up on. For Gods sake (there is no God by the way), sort it out!

toodle pip

pass the acid

Very trippy maaaaann

http://www.yooouuutuuube.com/v/?rows=18&cols=18&id=pAwR6w2TgxY&startZoom=1

nozzer

Little Nozzer is still not too good at the moment. His head healed up while l was away so l had to take him to the vets to get him sliced up again, so we could get all of his gunk out. lt's a messy job but someones got to do it. He must be getting sick of it by now, his little leg was vibrating and he was making little squeaking noises. Poor little sod. Only good thing about it is that he does not seem affected by it once he is put on the floor again. Plus l am able to come home from work to see to him, which gives me a break. Still looks a right state though.

Toodle pip

Chelsea Hill

Feels so good watching this again

chelsea v barcelona

Just watched the second leg of the Chelsea v Barcelona game and loved it. Good to see Chelsea so annoyed with the decisions and losing their cool at the end, especially Drogba. Maybe if he had not been such an unlikable, cheating, diving, petulant cry baby, (and yes l do follow Manchester United and people think that of Ronaldo), he may have got the decisions going for him. Brilliant that he didn't. Hope he gets a long suspension for his antics at the end.
Some of the fuss about the penalties was over the top. Jamie Rednap sprouting on about the ref coming from Norway is such a narrow minded view, whether he had a good game or not, he is still an experienced referee who has been officicating international matches for over 10 years and has already refereed loads of Champions League games.

Drogba doesn't do himself any favours. When there was a perfectly good tackle against him in the penalty area which the referee got right, he flung himself around like a cat that had been thrown into a bath. The referee sees that sort of cheating and petulance, and may have doubts later on if Drogba is appealing again, (the only time Drogba is appealing).

l am biased and don't like Chelsea, but some of the stuff the Sky panel were coming out with was unbelievable. They are meant to be experts and get paid a lot of money for their views, but handball has to be deliberate, never mind if the ball is heading towards to goal. elka may or may not have been clipped, but he definitely clipped himself and went down. Drogba got his shirt pulled but then clipped himself and dived in the opposite direction to which he was being pulled. If he had not tried to elaborate on the foul and dive spectacularly, it would probably been given.

It all serves Chelsea right for trying to cheat their way through the first game, with loads of niggly fouls to prevent Barcelona playing (and Henry should have had a definite penalty in the first game).

Although l think Barcelona are the better team and may prove more difficult for Manchester United to beat in the final, l am more than glad they got through. Think f all the stick Manchester United got a few years ago when Stam and Keane were in the referees face. Ballack and Drogba should have action taken against them. Ballack a short ban, Drogba shot.

Toodle pip

mick and keith

The origional Glimmer Twins - Mick and Keith in Albufiera

portugal

Ochos d' Agua

Well, what a surprise. Went to Portugal for a week and had good intentions of writing something every night, but with one thing and another (late nights, vodka and coke etc), didn't write a thing.

Here's the short summary.

Flew into Faro airport and got a taxi to the apartments (Clube Humbria). lt was all inclusive so settled in and got a drink and chilled out in the evening. Stayed at a place called Ochos d' Agua (eyes of the sea) which was pretty quiet and had a nice empty beach (last two photos).

Didn't do a lot during the week, it was mainly lying around in the sun, listening to my ipod and reading (Candide by Voltaire (again!) - great book).

Also went exploring the area nearby, or should l say nearby in a taxi. Vilamoura was expensive looking with a pretty good Marina. Also had Figo and China's bar, a place half owned by Louis Figo, with lots of memorabilia and photos on the walls.

Albufiera was North of us, lots of bars and music so obviously spent a couple of days there.

Apart from that, nothing. Managed to catch all the football when l was out there, first legs of the European cup semi finals, Manchester United v Boro and Barcelona v Real Madrid (6-2). Busy busy busy.

Got a great tan but some of it is peeling off now. l'll have to hit the sunbed to keep it up (ooeer).

Anyhows, l am now back and back at work later on today. Only have six days work before heading of to Budapest, so things aren't too bad at the moment.

Toodle pip

3-1 against the arse

Another great result from the wonderful Manchester United. Have to say l was a bit worried before the game and was kind of expecting a draw, but this was so much better than l anticipated. Good that the first two goals went in so early, which meant l could relax and enjoy the rest of the game from then on.

It's ridiculous that Darren Fletcher cannot appeal against his red card and suspension from the final. he's not exactly having a great year, as it was no so long ago that his house was robbed, with his missus being held at knife point in front of his kids. Hopefully United will be back in the final next year a s well. bring on Barcelona (with a bit of luck), rather play them in the final than Chelsea.

Portugal report and pictures to follow soon.

toodle pip

5-2

Once again United pulled it out of the bag and gave me faith (you've got to have faith, as George Michael reminded us back in the day.
Went to the Lodge (the jockey) to meet Lonnie (who turned up with Ditchie) to watch the game, but it was on canal TV rather than Setenta. hence no English commentary (which l thought was a bonus), but more importantly, we were about the only people in there.
Decided to go to the Arc when it was 1-0 to super Spurs, but by the time we had wandered down there it was 2-0. Bastardo!
Also though, agreed Manchester United were playing well and felt confident that if they stuck to their attacking principals (not that they had much choice by then), they might get back into the game and get a result.
Turned out better than that. After walking into the Arc and getting loads of abuse as it was 2-0, it all changed round as the game went on. fantastic scenes all round and it was the first time l have had tears in my eyes when a goal went in since the 2-1 against Bayern in the European cup final (in old money). Joy Joy Joy all around my world. How can life get much better.
Just remembered (as if), going to Portugal for a week tomorrow with work, all expenses paid. Back of the net son!
Will write stuff on the new small note paddy computer while l am away and post it when l get back (lf l get back in one piece). Till then, let's sing along........"that's why we're the champions, champions of Europe" etc etc.
better go to bed now. Getting picked up at 11am and l haven't packed yet. Hey Ho, it will all be sorted in the morning (but it won't be easier).
Yes l am a bit pissed again (Champions of Europe)
toodle pip

Inspired Bicycles - Danny MacAskill April 2009

AMAZING

2-0 to United - that's we're the champions - champions of Europe.

On the other hand, it was a great second half last night with a 4-4between rsenland Liverpool


More importantly, spent some time with a young girl tonight who was by herself (call the cops) who was going through a shit time wither boyfriend. Lets do the math. He is married and older than her, plus he has a couple of kids.

Haveto finish now as l can't work out how to do the spell thingie without having things delated (see time wither above) plus looking back - Haveto

l'll finish my tale about the young girlie another time

Bastard computers

tooodle pip

Another thing

To make changes up above - made it worse -it's not my typing and imcompitence (for a change) The more l try to sort it out, the worse it gets

See you in Hell (or whatever layers of Hell will sort out this computer crap)

Ata gess l would say it is full of geeks who know how to access free porn - also, as l type it is still fucking up, much as l try to change the mistakes.

Maybe hell is what l am suffering now

toodle pip again

l am a vulcan!

This is great - l am now a Vulcan


http://www.trekyourself.com/?mId=29958165.3

crank

New film - Crank



Jason Statham has to keep restarting his artificial heart while he tracks down the triad men who have stolen his real one.



When l heard about this a couple of weeks ago l thought it was an April fools joke.



God help us all.



toodle pip

everton

Well, what a bastard. Man Utd (God bless 'em) have lost the cup semi final to Everton.
Much as l hate Liverpool, l have never minded the boys in blue (apart from the rozzers).

Being a positive upbeat kind of guy, l think 'what the hell', they had a weakened team out and there are other trophies more important. Then again, l also think it's a Goddamn shame, as the old bastard in me (ooeer once again), harks back to the days when a league and cup double was important. As long as we haven't rested players to win the league and European cup (in old money), and then fuck it up, l won't be too bothered. Also, a penalty shoot out never feels right, win or lose. Obviously l am happy United beat Chelsea in the European cup final (old money) last year, but it's not as good as winning in normal time.

Please please (let me get what l want) don't mess up the rest of the season. That's all l ask. l suffered enough during the dark 70's and 80's, my time is now.

toodle pip

pirate bay

lt's just been on the news about the Swedish guys who set up Pirate Bay website being sentenced to a year in jail each and ordered to pay back millions in compensation to record and movie companies. As if they have the money to do that. What they set up was illegal and may have cost record or film companies money in lost sales, but other sites will be up and running which will offer the same kind of service very soon. In fact the Pirate Bay site has not been closed down yet and other sites are already out there and freely available to anyone who has half a brain and wants free music or films (me and a load of 14 year olds).

The companies themselves are to blame for their own downfall. When albums were on vinyl, they complained that 'home taping is killing music' when people were making copies of albums on cassette. lf people taping albums had enough money, they would buy the actual album afterwards (if it was any good). Taping mates albums onto cassette gave you a chance to listen to more stuff, get into music more, get interested in other acts and spend money on albums, blank tapes and concerts. Nothing though, could replicate owning the actual album (or single). lt was an item to be horded, treasured, looked at, and played endlessly.

With the advent of CD's, the companies had no qualms about charging a fortune for them, people parting with their hard earned dosh again, replicating their album collections onto the new 'improved' format that apparently sounded miles better and on a disc that was indestructible and would last you forever. This went on for way too long, until the companies shot themselves in the foot by allowing the public to make CD copies of albums onto blank, printable Cd's, with the technology to print their own covers, therefore replicating the CD's in shops for minimal cost. Fucking idiots. Who then, would want to continue paying over the odds for a product that can be replicated in your own home? Add onto that the fact that a persons emotional attachment to an album has gone, due to CD's being so poorly packaged, there's no way the companies could continue with the strategy they had. They now know they are in deep shit, hence the abundance of cheap CD's available everywhere and the closure of record shops. Then they try to blame everything on download sites. lt's too late to stop downloading and copying now, and it serves the bastards right. Power to the people (right on).

The same thing happened with movies/videos and DVD's. Only difference was they held less of an emotional attachment. Now the companies are trying to sell us the same films again on High Def or Blu Ray. Next up will be 3D and another promotion by the companies to sell the same stuff again, only 'new and improved, an experience like you have never had before, just like being there' etc. Might go for the 3D movies though.

Anyhows, they reap what they have sewn, and although pleading poverty, are still raking in the dosh. not for too long hopefully.

And don't get me started on the death of the single/Top of the Pops/advance single promotion/lack of interest in the charts by just about everyone. l may have to take up drink (oops, too late - l'm already indulged in a wee dram).

Off to download some top tunes for free now - fuck the police!

Toodle pip

resolution

l know it's not the New Year and l have said it before, but l am going to try and knuckle down and get into the habit of writing - every day if l can. Even if it is only five minutes waffle about crap(which is what l normally talk anyway), l will try to get something down (ooeer).

l actually started some stuff while l was at work, on a small laptop. trouble is l couldn't work out how to transfer the stuff onto my memory stick, and the stuff l wrote is now out of date and l can't be bothered posting it now. l shall persevere with it so l can still write while l am at work (as l don't actually do a lot when l am there) then post it the next day.

Suff that's happened recently.

Had a really good night out in the Boro on Good Friday. All day session with Mandy, Robbo, Kerrie, Dazzer, Louise, Danny, Gill, Matt, Chris, Hilary, Nat, Lisa, Steph, Paul, The Head and others l can't remember. Photos are on facebook if you know where to look. l am not giving a link as l have no quality control over them (no press - no publicity).
Got back late and were then given a visit from the Police as some little bastards had been down the road slashing car tyres, including our own. Luckily it was only the one tyre so l put the spare one on in the morning (l'm macho man! - l'll take that knife and shove it up your arse!).

Went for a meal with Kerry and Robbo the next day at the hotel up the road from them - can't remember the name of it at the moment (Cross keys maybe?). Had some superb oysters with paprika and double cream (still sticking to the diet) and drank lots of Bailies (how do you spell that word? ls that right?). Put the world to rights and then back to sunny Catterick, where l got dropped off any stayed out with the boys till about 9pm. Splendid weekend.

Coming up - more bloody work. But also.... trips to Portugal and Budapest. Hurrah!!

Lets see if l can keep this up (ooeerr, phnar phnar etc - oh my sides are splitting)

toodle pip

PS Just re-read the post before publishing and realised l didn't make a joke about knuckling down at the begining. Must be getting (more) senile. Damn

my favorite number

Pretty catchy song!

Maximum number for people on relaxing holidays!

Billy Bob Thornton 'Blow Up' on Q TV

l wonder if he is on drugs? They cancelled the rest of the Canadian tour after this as they were "unwell".

album art war

Bet that took some time doing

1 - 0 to the champions

Wasn't expecting too much from Porto away but what a result (1-0 to the champions!).

So overjoyed with the score l went and got pissed afterwards dressed as a sailor, meeting some real ones on the way. Had a bit of a sing song with them and the night went a bit woozey after that. Great night out - although my bottom seems a bit sore today.

Here's the vid of me singing - enjoy!

toodle pip

Stairway To Heaven - The Beatnix

never heard of these before but this is pretty damn good

Macheda

YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

United 3 Villa 2

Macheda - a new hero


What a game - my poor heart is going to pack in one of these days. l really thought United had blown it, but thank fuck for a bit of magic from Macheda. He did what l used to dream about doing (amongst other stuff), but l couldn't be happier for him. Hope United don't mess it up now, couldn't stand it if Liverpool were to win the title this year. Bring on Porto!

toodle pip

hamster in a wok

l need to exercise like this

Clough v Revie

Looking foreward to The Damned United film, if it's half as good as the book it will be OK by me. In the meantime, here's Brian Clough arguing with Don Revie, just after Clough had been sacked by Leeds (The scum).

http://www.itv.com/ITVPlayer/Video/default.html?ViewType=5&Filter=38208

toodle pip

spotify

l have been telling everyone about Spotify - get it while it is still free. Here's a download of some great songs (not my compilation but there's a lot of good stuff on it)


http://open.spotify.com/user/thewordmagazine/playlist/17zicktL8XXzxzdBJZMpkF


toodle pip

The Old days

Been in the Wine Bar (Now Hunters) with Mr F. This was me after he left, talking about the glory years in Lilac Mist

.


toodle pip

MP's partners porn

So, Jacqui Smiths husband has watched some (Crappy British) porn while she has been away. Much as l think MP's tax concessions should be tightened up (as l am paying for their second homes and expenses), for fucks sake, l would have more respect for our elected reperesentatives if they were a bit more honest (MP,s - honest!!- l know, l know). If she wasn't such an appalling and brazen little Hitler, I'd feel sorry more sorry for her, but she should have come out with " So my husband watches porn (Crap porn don't forget) while l am away, big deal. He also watched Oceans 13 twice, (and Surf's up) - l would be more woried about that. After the Russel Brand/Jonathan Ross and Manuel incident (And the phone lines rip off), everyone feels as though they have to apologise for everything. Sod that. If she had said "l was was away and he can do what he wants", l would have a lot more respect for her. She should have a lot more backbone (l bet her husband had a lot of frontbone fnarr fnarr). If the MPs are going to rip us taxpayers off for expenses, l would rather it was spent on something decent like porn, rather than furnishings for the second home. l bet her husband (Richard Timney) has had a lot off grief and is now getting no sex, ironically, probably the same kind of situation that made him want to watch (and wank to) porn in the first place.
Just realised his first name is Richard, leaving himself open to lots of jokes about dirty dicks etc - other people can do that, my life is too short to get involved

toodle pip

CLASS WAR !!

From BBC News Scotland

The Edinburgh home of former Royal Bank of Scotland boss Sir Fred Goodwin has been attacked by vandals.
Windows were smashed and a Mercedes S600 car parked in the driveway was vandalised.
A group angry at bank executives' pay contacted a newspaper claiming to be behind the early morning attack.
Police said they were investigating these claims as part of their inquiry, adding that they took planned attacks "very seriously".

A statement was issued to Edinburgh's Evening News newspaper on Wednesday morning by a group which claimed it was behind the attack.
It said: "We are angry that rich people, like him, are paying themselves a huge amount of money, and living in luxury, while ordinary people are made unemployed, destitute and homeless.
"This is a crime. Bank bosses should be jailed. This is just the beginning."

Get in! Class War at last!!

l am all for it - pity they didn't burn his house down, (although he is bound to be heavily insured). It's about time life was made a bit uncomfortable for some rich bastards. Hope they keep it up


toodle pip

Jade is dead

So, Jade has died. Next up, the funeral, followed by Jack: Life after Jade, the launch for the inevitable Jade Foundation, then 'Jack: Six months on and learning to love again'. And so it goes on and on and on. By the way, the above picture was from the Sun - July 3, 2002. Bizarre columnist Dominic Mohan, wrote: "The pig with the biggest mouth on TV has finally been nominated for eviction and now YOU have the power to roast her ... She doesn't deserve to win the £70,000 prize and you can help stop her getting her trotters on it." How they have changed.

toodle pip

James Brown gives you dancing lessons

What more could you ask for?
I'll be doing the funky chicken next time l am out and about.

toodle pip

benitez - 5 more years

BENITEZ SIGNS ON FOR FIVE MORE YEARS OF BUCK-PASSING

RAFAEL Benitez has signed a new contract which will see him blame other people for Liverpool’s failures until 2014.

The coach, linked recently to Real Madrid, said his love for the city, for the fans and for apportioning his shortcomings to a varied cast of largely irrelevant bystanders was 'impossible to resist'. After months of wrangling, Liverpool chiefs agreed to new clauses which will allow Benitez to berate one board member a month for the team's failure to beat a recently-promoted Championship side. He will also be allowed to blame Sir Alex Ferguson's eyebrows, the influence of Mercury in Virgo and all refereeing decisions, including those that have nothing whatsoever to do with Liverpool.

One sticking point was the manager's control over transfer budgets, with previous signings including a blind, 80-year old Spanish midget, a large Spanish tomato with a picture of a footballer drawn on it and Jermaine Pennant. It has also emerged that Benitez insisted the negotiations were conducted in front of a large screen showing the recent goals against Manchester United and Real Madrid, as he gestured periodically while muttering 'muchos dineros' to himself.

Owner Tom Hicks said: "I was never worried that Rafa would quit Anfield. We are, after all, paying him four million pounds a year to produce the kind of football that would cause an amphetamine-fuelled Jonathan Pearce to slip into a coma."

Man Utd boss Sir Alex Ferguson also welcomed the new contract adding that he was relishing another five years of attempting to gradually nudge his rival into complete insanity.

toodle pip

1 - 4

IT ENDED 4-1, MAN UTD TELLS FANS

MANCHESTER United used text messages to inform fleeing supporters of Saturday's defeat by Liverpool as thousands left Old Trafford early and caught the train back to London.

There's no point spending more time in Manchester than you have to. It is the first time the club has used its new £20 a month subscription service which also includes a selection of talking points, a football 'word of the day' and the names of key players from both teams. Julian Cook, a season ticket holder from Primrose Hill, said: "How ghastly. Does that mean that Liverpool win the big cup? Or is it just the league thingy?"As long as it wasn't the big European whatsit because I've arranged to meet up with some friends in Barcelona next month and do a bit of shopping."
As the final whistle blew on Saturday only three United fans remained in the ground after their wheelchair helpers gave up and headed to the car park. Liverpoool manager Rafa Benitez said: "At first I think Ferguson do this deliberate as some kind of spooky mind game in latest pathetic attempt to drive me insane. "But then I realise that United fans are very busy peoples with Blackberries who no have time to see their team lose."
Meanwhile Man Utd manager Sir Alex Ferguson was banned from giving post-match television interviews after producers decided that the rapidly changing colours of his incandesecent face could trigger thousands of epileptic fits. Speaking off-camera he said: "I felt we were better than Liverpool, although the score doesn't reflect that. I also feel that Ho Chi Minh City is just outside of Knutsford, although the Ordnance Survey map doesn't reflect that."

toodle pip

what a tosser

l think l would have nutted him at the end

The Beatles vs LCD Soundsystem vs The Kinks - Mashup by FAROFF

Wish l had done this

pubs

The Wine Bar has been getting done out and being re-named Hunters. I understand that this is so it can start again with a new identity and image, but l have already heard people saying they do not like the new look, plus everyone in Catterick will still refer to it as The Wine Bar. I don't care what happens to it as long as it stays open, as it is my local. Must say though, l am one of the people who will still call it The Wine Bar no matter who owns it, or what it is suposed to be called. Get to the pub and spend your money, we will be sad when they all go (although l will be dead by a drink related death by then - bring it on!)

WHY ARE ALL THE PUBS CLOSING? ASK PEOPLE WHO NEVER GO TO THE PUB

MILLIONS of people across Britain who never go to the pub were last night asking why all the pubs were closing down.

As it was revealed that 2000 pubs have closed in the last year, non-pub goers said their community would not be the same without the local pub they never went to. Margaret Gerving, from Peterborough, said: "I was delighted when the smoking ban came in because it meant I could finally go to the pub without being killed."But then I didn't, mainly because I'm not the sort of person who likes going to pubs. I prefer to stay in with a carton of pomegranate juice and a bag of pine nuts and make long lists of all the things I want banned."Now it turns out that nobody else is going either because quite a lot of the people who used to go to the pub also liked to smoke. But none of this explains why all the pubs are closing down."

Julian Cook, from Devon, said: "Our local pub looks really lovely from the outside. It's got flower baskets and a nice old fashioned sign. Unfortunately it's used by local people with accents who dress differently from me and who are, I suspect, incredibly racist."

Former pub owner Charlie Reeves, from Hereford, said: "We were told that the smoking ban would mean lots of young mums and dads bringing their children in. But that didn't really help because there's only so much Guinness you can pour down a three year-old before it falls asleep."Then there's the added factor that a pub with children in it isn't really a pub, it's a fucking hell hole."

toodle pip

TWELVE YEAR-OLDS URGED TO KNOCK-UP LOCAL TART

TWELVE YEAR-OLDS URGED TO KNOCK-UP LOCAL TART

DISGUSTING poor people across Britain were last night urging their 12 year-old sons to impregnate some local slapper.

This week thousands of young boys will be dragged away from their vodka bottles and told to find a willing slut who will get them all in the papers. Angela Reeves, mother of 12 year-old Jason, said: "I've told him not to worry if his tart is already having sex with five other boys because that just means more stories, and more stories is more money. Innit? "My eight year-old is still a bit young for actual shagging so I'm sticking him in an IVF programme. We'll need to use two grand of Jason's baby money, but you have to spend it to make it."

Dr Tom Logan, author of Freak Show Britain, said: "The freaks have finally worked out how to operate the machine. It's been a bit like watching a monkey teaching itself to drive."The newspapers know they are being exploited but they don't care because they also know how much we love to read about the jaw-dropping vileness of the freaks."And when we're not reading about children who are pregnant by other children or being kidnapped by their own mother, we do love to read the sordid details of how they are trying to make money out of it. "I especially love it when the worthless, drug-addled father turns up out of the blue and starts hawking his child round Fleet Street. It's really quite Dickensian."

Dr Logan added: "Of course, there is a serious debate about how we tackle the underlying issues at the root of this problem. Personally, I'd sterilise anyone who lives in a house worth less than £130,000. Or do you think it should be higher? "Meanwhile Alfie Patten, the 13 year-old star of the latest freak show, revealed he was taking a break from thrice-nightly sexual intercourse after discovering masturbation. He added: "I don't want to miss out on an important part of my childhood."

toodle pip

Bra Tests

Two posts so quickly - getting carried away.

BRA RESEARCH MUST GO ON, VOWS SCIENTIST

THE RESEARCHER developing an intelligent bra says there is ‘no way’ it is finished and that he may have to carry on studying women’s breasts for decades.

This generation's Apollo Programme Dr Tom Logan, head of breasts at the Tits Institute, said reports his bra research was complete were ‘irresponsible’, and could stop women volunteering to help with his work. He said: “I would love to say that my intelligent bra was now a reality, I really would, but I think I will probably end up working on this project for the rest of my life.”

Dr Logan has devoted his life to developing a super-bra that will stop women’s breasts bouncing around during exercise, but with very limited success so far. Unlike rival researchers who use sophisticated laser measuring techniques to gauge levels of bounce, Dr Logan personally observes his volunteers using his bras as they jog before him on a treadmill. He said: “I only got into this line of work by accident after my university rejected my initial proposal to look into intelligent panties. But it has proved hugely rewarding.”

Most of the research takes place in Dr Logan’s office, which is equipped with a treadmill, video camera, heavy curtains and tissues. All joggers are asked to wear blindfolds to prevent anything they see interfering with the experiments, while Dr Logan always removes his trousers in case they affect the results.

He added: “People often ask me what possible scientific benefit can arise from spending hours in a darkened room watching a woman with large breasts jog on the spot on front of you in a not very supportive bra. Imagine if they had said that to Einstein? He would never have invented the atom bomb.”

Toodle pip

Compter says yes !!!

The main computer is now up and running again !! Hurrah !! So excited l don't know what to do with myself !!

The blog will now resume with a piece about the NME awards


MUSIC TO STAY EXACTLY THE SAME FOREVER



POPULAR music is to remain exactly as it is for ever and ever after Oasis were named best band at last night's NME awards.

The lead singer of U2 is a 48 year-old tax avoider named 'Bongo'. Oasis, hailed as a 'fresh and exciting group of middle aged men from Manchester' have impressed critics with their fresh, exciting songs that all sound exactly the same.Tom Logan, assistant editor of NME, said: "It's so exciting for British music that a really fresh middle-aged band like Oasis is being recognised for doing the same fresh and exciting thing over and over and over again for what must be the best part of 20 years."Logan added: "Their sound is so fresh, so exciting and so completely unlike anything we've ever heard apart from absolutely every single note played by the Beatles, as well as the Rolling Stones, the Who, the Kinks, the Smiths and, obviously, the Stone Roses."

Meanwhile the BBC is devoting an entire week of programming to rock's freshest sensation, a fresh and exciting group of middle-aged men from Dublin called 'U2'.Director general Mark Thompson said: "I discovered U2 last year when they were playing some tiny, little spit and sawdust Olympic stadium in Rome and I knew straight away they would need lots of help from the BBC in promoting their new album."He added: "They're not your typical Dublin band, they're actually a really fresh and exciting group of millionaire property developers who have invented this fresh, exciting sound where all the songs are exactly the same."

Toodle pip

computer update

Still have not got the main computer fixed, although it is now out of the house being repaired and may even be ready today, l have to phone about it later. Still cursing having to use the laptop, prefer to fiddle with my little mouse (ooeerr).

Nozzer the rabbit still has a scab on his head from his pussy removal (ooeerr again), but is pretty perky. Have to keep giving him antibiotics and bathing his head, so we'll see how he goes. Apparently if it happens every 6 weeks or so it is pretty bad and he won't live long. lf it is every 6 months or so, we can carry on treating him.

Been down to Walsall for Mandy's nans funeral (Edna), also a memorial service at Stockton. Also Rab's missus Dots funeral in Catterick and Tommy Pikes, also in Catterick. They are going down like flies (ooeerr again - think l need a lie down).

Toodle pip

lack of posts

No posts recently as my main computer has died and l am trying to bring it back to life. Hate using this laptop - bloody bastard bugs
toodle bloody pip for now

Nearly forgot - Kaka not going to City - l've got some monies from bets coming to me from that!

Rolling Stones - Gimme Shelter 1969

What a band - what a song!

snow and rabbit

Here's the view this afternoon from our front and back gardens. Guess what? lt's been snowing. Notice the snowman in the garden with no nose (we didn't have any carrots). l had nothing to do with it, Mandy was out in the garden in the morning as she could not go into work because she was snowed in. l missed my appointment with the consultant (they are sending me another one) and l am off work for a couple of days as l have the flu. Hurrah! Life is sweet again. Didn't get up till 11.45am (no great change there then) and have been watching films (Fistful of Dollars, Paris l love you, Son of Sam) all day while Mandy has been doing her college work. Also been bathing Nozzer as he has a matted scab on the side of his cheek after his operation to get his lump removed. That rabbit can't half struggle when he puts his tiny mind to it. it's nearly off now so he won't have to suffer much longer. We should just chuck him outside to get it soaked in the snow. Maybe tomorrow.

Toodle pip

update

God l am getting lazy (er). Have not posted for a while and yet l have not exactly been rushed off my feet. Putting in the hours as usual at work, but had a good night out with Robbo in the Boro on Friday night. Wanted to stay out a bit longer but age is catching up with him, so it was a KFC and back home.
The next day we went with the girls to the Cross Keys hotel for lunch and had a good laugh about Christmas and my inadequacies. Bloody cold though, ice everywhere.
Nothing much else has happened recently, been to the Wine bar, been to work, been shopping with my sister and dossing around reading and listening to stuff (still so so so many things l want to hear).
Meant to be going to see the consultant about my knee tomorrow morning, but if it is freezing cold l may give it a miss and re-arrange it. l'll see how l feel when l wake up. Should just be telling me what he has done already, although hopefully he'll say it needs more work (more time off!!). Ended up being off for five weeks after the last operation, here's hoping for another one!
That's it, better get to bed l suppose, if l have to be up early. Bah humbug.
Toodle pip

christmas advent calander - punk style

http://www.punk-christmas.co.uk/

children in need

I love Children in Need - its one of the few times I get a chance to review the up to date logo's of all major high street banks and retailers; find out if there's anything on the current BBC schedules I might have missed; listen to new music from the most heavily plugged, mainstream music acts; decide if I want to buy a ticket for a soon-to-open West End musical and...........that's about it I think. All in the name of charity of course which is such a relief.

animation / video on walls and the pavement

This is one of the best animation/videos l have ever seen. Done on walls and the pavement

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuGaqLT-gO4


Toodle pip

Reg varney

Reg Varney (born 1916), star of On The Buses has died. He had seen a lot of life. On The Buses ended in 1973 - he did a series called Down The Gate in 1975, then he appeared in Eric Sykes' The Plank in 1979 before effectively retiring to paint and play the piano. Let's praise him with this fact: On 27 June, 1967, Reg Varney was the first person in the world to use a cashpoint machine. The first ever electronic ATM was installed at Barclays Bank in Enfield, North London, and Reg was the first to use it. OK, Here's another. In 1971 (l think, too bored now to look and check), On the Buses grossed more at the box office in the UK than the newly released James Bond film. He was a proper star. Gawd bless him and his turtleneck jumper and his eye for the clippies. (He was already in his fifties when he was chasing those birds with Jack down the depot.) In those happy far away days it was fine to be a sad old bastard without matinee good looks, because all the young tottie (supposedly) loved their bawdy humour and would happily agree to sleep with them (or at least indulge in a bit of slap and tickle) for a couple of milds and a bag of crisps. Now l am a sad old bastard myself l say " Bring back the 1970's". Then there would still be a modicum of hope for me. RIP me old mucker.

PS Watching On the Buses nowadays, one thing strikes you slap in the face...................lt's shit.

Toodle pip

funeral

It's not always cool being rock and roll. Went to bed at 12.30am as l have to be up early tomorrow to pick up my car (8am!!!!). l've been listening to podcasts of Steve Jones (from the Sex Pistols) and can't sleep. Still too early for the land of nod so l am now back up and keeping myself occupied by waffling on the blog. Been out to the wine bar early on, talking to some mad drunken (when l left him) 6' 2'' skinhead called Den. l think that was his name, but seeing as everyone is called Den, Del, Dem, Daz, Baz, Maz, Gaz or whatever, l don't bother remembering - l just called him Double D. The boy certainly can't play pool and was lucky l was feeling nice. After betting him and saying we were playing for £20, l refused it when he tried to pay up. Don't mind betting and winning (or losing now and again) , but don't want to take the piss too much.

Also found out that Graham (who used to run the Hildyard Arms) has died. Two of the lads l know are married to his daughters and l used to drink there on a regular basis, so l am going to go to his funeral if l can. He was a lot like Russel Harty but put up with a lot of crap from myself and other people when l was younger and used to drink there. Mind you, whether or not he was gay, l was one hell of a good looking young buck in them days. Hate to admit it but some of my mates were as well, so he may have had ulterior motives for putting up with us.

l would just like to state after that, nothing went on and he was sound, sounded effeminate but was a nice bloke. l still have the pub sign from the 1980's saying no underage drinking (that l stole from there).

He was never the same after the place was robbed and he got a hammer on his head. Kids today have no class. l know the brother of the lad who robbed it and he is a nice lad, a bit like Jim Holton (6' 2'' eyes of blue, big Jim Holton's after you). Don't anticipate him being at the funeral though (no, l don't mean Jim Holton).

Talking about it tonight (the funeral) and realised what old bastards we are. lt used to be you would see lads at Christmas or Bank holiday Monday, now it is funerals and remembrance days. At least everyone wants to get pissed after a funeral, so it doesn't spoil the whole day.

That's it - time to get up to no good (poor little Nozzer) and back to bed (it's taken ages typing this, l'm crap at it).

Vote Obama

Toodle pip

bonfire night celebration

We had a BBQ on Friday night, all the family round, setting off loads of fireworks. We then had a visit from a community copper saying it was illegal, as it was not Bonfire night. We were then told (or rather l was, as the house owner) that l may get a fine of £80 if we continue and the sergeant has to come round. Politely told him no problem, bring him round and we will risk getting fined. Luckily this made me into someone who was not scared, rock and roll, and more importantly, did not have to pay the fine as they never came back. Hurrah!

Sadly the gazebo we borrowed got blown over the next night so we have to buy another one. Not so good. Let's hope they're cheap.

Toodle pip

black man given worst job

This was in the Onion - great stuff

WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation's broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."

arsenal

What a crappy way to start the weekend, losing 2-1 to the Arse. United had some good chances but are not putting them away, mind you, Arsenal could have scored again. Bastards. Highlight of the day was Mandy getting over exited before the game when she saw Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow together (she's off to see Take That next summer). Glad someone in the household was happy. Went and had a bath for 4 hours to read and take my mind off it (l've just got out now). Time to hit the booze.

Toodle pip

waste time

Here's a great game to while away the hours. Drives you up the wall trying to get a good score

http://woodgears.ca/eyeball/

Toodle pip

obama rocks

So it's happened at last, the first black president of the USA (yes l know it's now old news). Must admit l was surprised by the outcome. Even though the polls said he was ahead and should win, things can easily change, especially as people may lie when they are asked who they are going to vote for.

Was in the USA not so long ago (September), which made me think Obama would not get in, as some blacks we talked to who were working class (and don't forget - black), said they were going to vote for McCain (who was very graceful in defeat), as they wanted a strong leader during these times of terrorism. Then again, every time there is an election in the UK, loads of working class people vote for the Conservatives. Terrorism or not. Idiots.

Anyway, glad he has got in, let's hope he does some good while in office. He has loads of support, he should be confident about what he wants to achieve and go for it. l do know he is unlikely to be seeking out my advice on how to run the country, but l am always at the end of the telephone line if he requires advice.

Toodle pip

back again! - Springsteen speech

Wayhay - the blog is back! Had a virus on the computer over the last few days which took a lot of time to get rid off, annoying bastards they are.

Still off work with a sore knee, usual reading, watching TV and listening to music. Looks like l will be back at work on the 12th or 13th of November. Been one hell of a good break though.

Off to get a drink and some food before having to tidy up, as Robbo and Kerry are visiting and stopping tonight. Will leave a speech by Bruce Springsteen from his show at Philadelphia. The boss sure knows how to talk.

I've spent 35 years writing about America, its people, and the meaning of the American Promise. The Promise that was handed down to us, right here in this city from our founding fathers, with one instruction: Do your best to make these things real. Opportunity, equality, social and economic justice, a fair shake for all of our citizens, the American idea, as a positive influence, around the world for a more just and peaceful existence. These are the things that give our lives hope, shape, and meaning. They are the ties that bind us together and give us faith in our contract with one another."I've spent most of my creative life measuring the distance between that American promise and American reality. For many Americans, who are today losing their jobs, their homes, seeing their retirement funds disappear, who have no healthcare, or who have been abandoned in our inner cities. The distance between that promise and that reality has never been greater or more painful."I believe Senator Obama has taken the measure of that distance in his own life and in his work. I believe he understands, in his heart, the cost of that distance, in blood and suffering, in the lives of everyday Americans. I believe as president, he would work to restore that promise to so many of our fellow citizens who have justifiably lost faith in its meaning. After the disastrous administration of the past 8 years, we need someone to lead us in an American reclamation project. In my job, I travel the world, and occasionally play big stadiums, just like Senator Obama. I've continued to find, wherever I go, America remains a repository of people's hopes, possibilities, and desires, and that despite the terrible erosion to our standing around the world, accomplished by our recent administration, we remain, for many, a house of dreams. One thousand George Bushes and one thousand Dick Cheneys will never be able to tear that house down."They will, however, be leaving office, dropping the national tragedies of Katrina, Iraq, and our financial crisis in our laps. Our sacred house of dreams has been abused, looted, and left in a terrible state of disrepair. It needs care; it needs saving, it needs defending against those who would sell it down the river for power or a quick buck. It needs strong arms, hearts, and minds. It needs someone with Senator Obama's understanding, temperateness, deliberativeness, maturity, compassion, toughness, and faith, to help us rebuild our house once again. But most importantly, it needs us. You and me. To build that house with the generosity that is at the heart of the American spirit. A house that is truer and big enough to contain the hopes and dreams of all of our fellow citizens. That is where our future lies. We will rise or fall as a people by our ability to accomplish this task. Now I don't know about you, but I want that dream back, I want my America back, I want my country back."So now is the time to stand with Barack Obama and Joe Biden, roll up our sleeves, and come on up for the rising."

Toodle pip

Kerry Katona Interview on This Morning

She is really fucked up. Philip handled it well, but that girl needs some help, not to be in TV docs all the time. Why did they even let her out for the interview though?

idiots

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dog tossing itself off

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