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IT ENDED 4-1, MAN UTD TELLS FANS

MANCHESTER United used text messages to inform fleeing supporters of Saturday's defeat by Liverpool as thousands left Old Trafford early and caught the train back to London.

There's no point spending more time in Manchester than you have to. It is the first time the club has used its new £20 a month subscription service which also includes a selection of talking points, a football 'word of the day' and the names of key players from both teams. Julian Cook, a season ticket holder from Primrose Hill, said: "How ghastly. Does that mean that Liverpool win the big cup? Or is it just the league thingy?"As long as it wasn't the big European whatsit because I've arranged to meet up with some friends in Barcelona next month and do a bit of shopping."
As the final whistle blew on Saturday only three United fans remained in the ground after their wheelchair helpers gave up and headed to the car park. Liverpoool manager Rafa Benitez said: "At first I think Ferguson do this deliberate as some kind of spooky mind game in latest pathetic attempt to drive me insane. "But then I realise that United fans are very busy peoples with Blackberries who no have time to see their team lose."
Meanwhile Man Utd manager Sir Alex Ferguson was banned from giving post-match television interviews after producers decided that the rapidly changing colours of his incandesecent face could trigger thousands of epileptic fits. Speaking off-camera he said: "I felt we were better than Liverpool, although the score doesn't reflect that. I also feel that Ho Chi Minh City is just outside of Knutsford, although the Ordnance Survey map doesn't reflect that."

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