heart screenings available

I don't know if they are just targeting me, or if everybody is getting sent them, but l got this leaflet through the door the other day, offering heart screenings in a nearby village.
Cheeky sods, l'm indestructible now, plus l noticed it was about £150 to get screened.
I'd rather keel over dead than hand my money over to these scaremongers gits (possibly my famous last words!).

Nearly forgot - On a related note, l always assumed that when someone has a heart attack as a result of a blocked artery, all the arteries were cleaned and opened out afterwards, but it turns out they have an emergency angiogram and then only  stent the affected one.  Now to a common everyday idiot like me,that makes no sense.  After all, if a persons lifestyle has caused the artery to become blocked, surely all of them will also be at some stage of being narrowed, so to me, it would make sense to check and sort them out as well.
It turns out, what seems so bleeding obvious is now being implemented after recent tests at The Golden Jubilee National Hospital, which were actually halted before completion as the results were so overwhelmingly one sided and positive.  Prof Colin Berry, heart specialist at the Golden Jubilee and the University of Glasgow, said: "They were some of the most striking results for a treatment that I have ever seen. The results of this trial really challenge clinical practice.".
Obviously the treatment would cost more, but in the long term it would surely be cost effective, as the hospitals would only have to deal with later problems anyway. Naturally some heart specialists want longer tests, but they are all blithering idiots (or may have a hidden agenda)
I'm still amazed it wasn't performed as a regular procedure in the past, and as l have always said (to the annoyance of everybody, l should be in charge of everything.  Street wise and intelligent - what a lethal combination!

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take a nap

Take a nap.  It solves everything, apart from my lack of sleeping (and many, many issues)

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toilet paper

Now that's what l call marketing.

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cock flavoured food

Mmmmmmm    I've got a hankering for some food, but the thought of it being cock flavoured puts me off somewhat.

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keep going with party tabs

Hopefully someone will slip one of these in my drink tomorrow when l am out and about in Middlesbrough. If they do, there will be no complaints from me.

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mummies on marlboro cigarettes

That's it mummy, light up a fag and please don't shout at me.
Make a day of it and hit the booze cabinet while you are at it.

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hire a wig today!

Ever wanted to look special on a night, out but couldn't afford a decent wig?  Worry no more - you can hire them instead!
This does beg the question of why on earth would  anyone pay good money to wear a wig that had previously been on somebody else's head, and surely they would want to wear a wig all of the time, unless they normally had a hankering for the good old  Bobby Charlton look most of the time.  Just shave it all off.
Then again, this was the good old 1970's.  It was a different world then.
From here.

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scaring parents with adverts

A great marketing idea!  Scare the crap out of parents to make them buy your product.

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a great advert for alcoholics

What a great idea for home drink delivery.  Of course it may be classed as distasteful (after all, alcoholism is an illness), but l find it funny.

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door handle sticker adverts

These door handle stickers are for products such as Viagra, and are by Charm, a Chinese advertising agency.  Not an original idea, but they still look good and make me chuckle (simple fool that l am).

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a spider-man approved patio door

An Altrium patio door that Spider-Man can swing in on.  If it's good enough for Spidey, it's good enough for me.  Mine's on order.

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the donkybike

Although The Donky Bike sounds like it should be something sexual (and probably is), the bike version is a simple yet effective addition to the range of bikes already on the market.  Ideal for inner city shopping or even prating about carrying your mates, it's practical, looks good, and is hopefully pretty sturdy and long lasting. I might even get one myself if l start cycling to work again.  A snip at under £500.

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meat adverts

Meat adverts that are straight to the point.  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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old fashioned medicine

Old fashioned medication, the way it should be prescribed (although you could probably just buy this over the counter).
I may start a petition to bring it back.  Sometimes advancement is not for the best.

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keeping clean the mad way

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evil clowns need love

How very true

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marijuana - the devils harvest

It's fortunate that l have never been bothered about smoking this (unless in Amsterdam, where it is compulsory), as it doesn't look too healthy for you.
If you are ever in doubt, just ask yourself 'what would Keith do'?
Stick to class 'A's is what l say (although l am a good boy now).


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bottle opening remote control

This is pure genius!  A remote control that can open bottles.  Ideal for lazy bastards like myself who don't like to move from the settee.  Things like this will be the death of me (but what a way to go!).
They are available here.

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cuddle up to your dream date

Call that a dream date?  Is she mad?
Glad to see she's left her make up on to go to bed in, after all, she won't want her dream date buggering off with anyone else.  Let's face it, I bet his standards are high.  Just look at his neatly trimmed moustache and carefully chosen shirt.  Check out at his (probably) blow dried hair.   And what dreamy eyes he has.  Mmmmmmm..............................................Damn!
I think he has worked his magic on me.
Sweet dreams brothers and sisters, as l think me and tash boy have got some nocturnal lovin' to attend to.

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the breast washer

Science.  It has an answer to just about anything eventually, as demonstrated with this marvellous device for the ladies.  A breast washer.
I take off my hat to the man (and let's face it, it's bound to have been a man) who came up with this.  Pure genius.

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