death to all but metal

I may have posted this a couple of years ago, but it still hasn't lost it's power to ROOOOOCCK!!

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classic two ronnies

"What is a jockstrap?" Brilliant writing by (I assume) Ronnie Barker

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damn - back to work

That's it - I'm back to work today (going in 5 minutes) and don't want to go. I just know I'll have loads of stuff to catch up on when I get in.

I'm really looking forward to going to Turkey at the end of August. Can't bleeding wait in fact.

Damn!!

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chewing gum kicking and catching

I can do this (sometimes). I haven't stopped practising it yet so I'll only get better

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world cup final bbq

Went through to the sunny Boro last night to watch the World Cup final at Robbo and Kerries. They decided to do a BBQ, which turned out pretty good, but took a while before the coals got hot. There was smoke everywhere, the wind started getting up, and it also got colder. Great weather. Had a good time though (apart from not winning with my bet on Holland) as there was also plenty of booze. We were too full to have cheesecake for desert, but one of them got bought home and consumed back in sunny Catterick. Very nice it was as well, being a Tesco special that only cost £1. Bargain!

As usual, the weather today is still crappy and raining, and it has been pretty crap for all the days I have been off work (since last Tuesday). I bet the sun starts shinning again this week when I am back at work. I blame God.

Luckily I am off to the pub today to hopefully see Joseph (if the old git is still alive), so things are not too bad (although the FPO wanted me elsewhere). He had better turn up, or I will be in trouble (not for the first time).

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stings dye

As l am pissed off about not winning any money with my World Cup bets, l am about to dye my hair and leave this sacred lsle incognito. Rather sadly though, l think Sting has had the same idea, The unshaven photo is from a week (or so) ago. The bearded older one has been his look recently.

Good luck to the poor little chapie and l hope he escapes.

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bolan tattoo

I am a big fan of Marc Bolan, but I do think this tattoo is (slightly) over the top. Good luck to the (l assume it's a) girl, but l wouldn't have had it done myself.

At the moment, l am ignoring the World Cup final. I have just lost out on some money due to the Spanish bastardos (jo soy un hombre sincero). Never mind, what the hell etc

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scare the wife with raoul

No it's not really from the Sun.

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superman's tits

This is from the TV show 'The New Adventures Of Superman' with Teri Hatcher and Dean Cain. That is Superman's boob on display and I bet Teri Hatcher would have killed to have had boobs like that. If Superman displayed his Beeny bags in every episode like that, I might have actually watched the thing (with trousers down, obviously). Maybe I should just start stalking Dean Cain.

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guantanamera

When I was at work a week or so ago I heard 'Guantanamera' by the Sandpipers on the radio late at night. I had forgotten what a great peaceful song it is, so I have since downloaded it, and have been brushing up with my Spanish by singing along (much to the FPO's pleasure).

Lyrics below!

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Spanish language	English language
Yo soy un hombre sincero De donde crece la palma Y antes de morirme quiero Echar mis versos del alma Guantanamera, guajira, Guantanamera	I am an honest man From where the palm tree grows And before dying I want To share the verses of my soul.
Mi verso es de un verde claro Y de un carmín encendido Mi verso es de un ciervo herido Que busca en el monte amparo Guantanamera, guajira, Guantanamera	My verse is a clear green And it is flaming crimson My verse is a wounded deer Who seeks refuge in the woods.
This third verse of "Versos Sencillos" is usually not part of the song Cultivo una rosa blanca En julio como en enero Para el amigo sincero Que me da su mano franca Guantanamera, guajira Guantanamera	I cultivate a white rose In July as in January For the sincere friend Who gives me his honest hand.
This fourth verse is translated during the song as sung by Pete Seeger and Arlo Guthrie[3] Y para el cruel que me arranca El corazón con que vivo Cardo ni ortiga cultivo Cultivo la rosa blanca Guantanamera, guajira Guantanamera	And for the cruel one who would tear out this heart with which I live I do not cultivate nettles nor thistles I cultivate a white rose
Final verse of song, as published: Con los pobres de la tierra Quiero yo mi suerte echar El arroyo de la sierra Me complace más que el mar Guantanamera, guajira Guantanamera	With the poor people of the earth I want to cast my luck The brook of the mountains Gives me more pleasure than the sea

ringo and rain

The joke that Ringo was not even the best drummer in the Beatles (said by John), was just that, a joke. He suited them really well and grew with them all as they started to experiment more (although he was older and didn't do much drugs). As a tribute to Ringo, who was 70 a couple of days ago, here's a clip of someone mimicking the drumming on 'Rain'. Marvellous stuff - flash, but not too flash.

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false food claims

• apple cider vinegar can improve bowel movement
• the horsetail plant (Equisetum arvense L.) can help maintain normal hair
• green tea is good for blood pressure, cholesterol levels, bones, teeth and eyesight or that it works as an antioxidant
• cranberry juice can reduce the risk of urinary tract infection in women
• the probiotic Lactobacillus plantarum supports the immune system
• sugar-free chewing gum can reduce dental plaque
• glucosamine can reduce the risk of osteoarthritis

here's some of the food claims which have been thrown out by the European Unions Nutrition and Health regulation investigations
About time as well - bloody hippies

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police stand off in rothbury

I have just been looking at the BBC news website, and there is apparently a stand off between Raoul Moat and the armed police. My brother in law is in the armed police, may well be at the scene, and l hope to God he is not pulling faces like the copper in the photo, who also looks like he is holding a toy gun (although l am guessing it is a taser).

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loop recorder has been fitted

Up at the crack of dawn today (fnar), as l had to be at James Cook hospital in the Boro for my loop recorder to be fitted. I was shattered when l got there at 8am (too many late nights and earlyish mornings), but l was taken in first, so was pleasantly surprised to be back in the ward by 9am. The operation was OK, it was only a local anaesthetic and didn't take that long, but it stung a bit at first and l was also told later "This might hurt now, so grit your teeth". Not the sort of thing l want to be hearing just before they tried to ram the recorder in (ooeer). Anyway, l was soon back to the ward and then had to sit around untill 1.30pm when they discharged me. I just sat about listening to my ipod and waiting to have my blood and temperature checked every hour (blood pressure 117/76 when l looked at the machine).

Left the hospital and went straight to the KFC at Teeside park, as I was starving by then. Not very good to tell the truth, tables dirty and the food overcooked, which was a bit of a disappointment, as l had not had a KFC for a while. Back to sunny Catterick afterwards, then it was dossing about in front of the TV and knocking back the Pinot. Not sure if l should really be drinking with my antibiotics, but what the hell (he says as his heart explodes).

I have to go back in about five weeks for a check up, and now have a recorder thing l have to carry with me everywhere (for the next time l flake out), but apart from that, life goes on, only now l will be setting of the scanners at all the airports. Excellent stuff!

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whispering I love you

Echoes of your voice are calling still through my dreams, softening the chill of the breeze.

Through my window, I can see the moonglow painting silver shadows on a rose-colored land;

A world that we walk hand in hand in a day of gold colored by the glow of new love.

Oh, Woman, I can feel your warm face ever close to my lips and the scent of you invades the cool evening air.

I can close my eyes and you´re there in my arms still and I know your soft kiss,

turning into music every beat of my heart,

When I hold you close to my heart and I hear your voice whispering I love you.

I can feel your warm face ever close to my lips and the scent of you invades the cool evening air

I can close my eyes and you're there

I can close my eyes and you're always there

Whispering I love you

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guatemala sink hole

This happened recently in Guatemala, and it is pretty impressive. Another thing that would have been great to see (but not fall down)

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marty mcfly

Wow! look at the date he has set for the future. It was only a couple of days ago. Does that mean l am now living in the space age?

Maybe it is time for bed. I think so.

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bloody spain and my lack of an ajax top

Damn! I have watched the Spain v Germany semi final and the Spanish have won it 1-0. Not good news for me, as although l think the Spain team are fantastic, I wanted Germany to win, as it would have made me look so cool (if that is possible), having put £5 bets on before the tournament on Holland and Germany to win the World cup, and both of them should have (hopefully) been in the final. Sadly, out of my bets, it is now Holland only in the final, and of course l want them to win, especially thinking about how much l loved them and Ajax Amsterdam in the early 1970's (plus l have £5 at nine to one on them). I did say to the FPO before the semi final that even if Germany got through to the final (meaning l would have won my bet because l had both teams), l still would have liked Holland to win, even though the bet was less (nine to one). If Germany won, it would have been fourteen to one (which of course l would have accepted and boasted about non stop), but as l am such an old bastard, l do remember the 1974 final when Holland lost, and would have liked them to gained revenge on the Germans. I have nothing against the Germans, in fact I like Germany a lot (in the past, I lived there for about five years). I would have made more money from the bet, and I would have spat in the eye of anyone who said they did not think the Germany team was good enough to go that far. Fact is though, the Cruyff team was the making of me, beautiful total control football, with the best player in the world at the time. I still curse the fact that my (twatting, selfish, bastard and unthinking) parents never bought me the Ajax top that was on display in Bootle when I was a kid. Bastards. It's not like I didn't hint I wanted it, as I went on and on about it. Still, when I ripped open my Christmas present that year, there was a Chelsea kit ready for me to wear for all school sports lessons (Chelsea??? For fucks sake, had they paid no attention to me for the previous few years??). Then again, maybe they had noticed me and it was retribution time for them. Once again, I blame my parents for the state I am in today. Bastards!

I now have an Ajax top which I bought myself, but it has the badge on (which I didn't want, being a stickler for convention and all that). I would much rather have had the version Johan is wearing above, but I could not find a copy. George Best was my hero, then Cruyff became a God. I still worship the path Georgie (and Keith) took though.

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urgh! I am so full

I am upstairs at the moments as the FPO is watching District 9 again with her mother downstairs. We have just had some food (pasta and chicken, in sauce with cheese - hold the salad), plus some pudding (strawberries and cream), with plenty of wine following.

I am now like the man above - stuffed to the gills.

I am taping the footie (Germany v Spain semi final) and will watch it later when the FPO goes to bed. My bet is still looking good at the moment, and l am still hoping for a Holland v Germany final as l have my £5 on each of them to win it.

Also, while listening to music and podcasts up here, l have also been putting phone numbers on my new work phone. This had the bonus of being able to phone downstairs and demand more wine is bought up, so there have been unexpected perks to go with the new job (and l am now off work until next Tuesday afternoon!). Hurrah!!

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sitting correctly

The latest research on correct posture when sitting has concluded that it is best to be leaning back at 135 degrees, rather than sitting straight up as in the past. That's good news for me as l like to slouch around like that, so no wonder l have the back of a 21 year old (it's just the rest of me that is falling apart).

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snake bus

To carry on with the theme from the last post, here's a bus in Copenhagen that is advertising the zoo in Copenhagen. Fantastic! Fancy seeing that when you're pissed or on acid.

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python and alligator

This is down in Florida, where a python tried to eat an alligator. Mad idea, as the python ended up exploding due to the alligator being too big, and it probably clawed at the pythons stomach from the inside. What a thing to have seen.

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new old spice advert

Class

work till you're dead

An old person (the FPO's mother?) - yesterday

Those wacky coalition representatives eh? First they are sharing power and pretending that they all get on, and now they are talking about making everyone work until they are 70. What a bunch of bastards. All the rich fuckers are going to retire early anyway, it's just us poor buggers that will have to work longer, people who are probably dying (literally) to finish work, and have probably had jobs that were (or are) more physically demanding over the years.

Why stop at 70 anyway? Look inside an old folks home and you will find loads of layabouts and malingerers that could be putting in a decent shift down the coal mine (if there were any still open). Bunch of slack limbed reprobates, get them out to work I say. If not, shoot them. That would save on the old pension payments. I may have to think this one through and come up with a master-plan.

I'll get back to this in the future

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a girl crying over the footie

Pah! She's probably pissed because she can't handle her ale. No girl understands the footie enough so that is emotion gets to them, it's all superficial. Unless they have played at a top level (like I have played it), it's hard to get properly involved and emotional with it. She just wants some attention.

Now I really have to go to bed. I have work again tomorrow morning (Damn!).

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friends are portly

I was on a website earlier on (the Daily Mail, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1290061/Portly-Matt-LeBlanc-gets-helping-hand-leaves-Bungalow-8-looking-little-worse-wear.html?ito=feeds-newsxml) where there was this picture of one of them from friends (Matt LeBlanc), with a story about him being on the lash in London (picture evidence above - fair enough), but also saying that he looked 'portly'. now don't get me wrong, I do boast about having 20/20 vision (although I have not had my eyes tested), I do recognise a fellow pisshead when he is on the lash (evidence above), and I do recognise another portly fellow. The trouble is, there is no evidence above to support the 'portly' jibe. If anything, he looks gaunt. No wonder stars get insecure and fucked up (and pissed). Poor souls, but they are meant to be human like the rest of us/you lot.

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knackered after the footie and t.rex tributes

I was at work yesterday and stayed up till about 2am to watch the World Cup quarter final games, which I had recorded at work and then watched once everyone had gone to bed. Good result for Holland against Brazil, and the Uraguay game against Ghana had an ending you could not make up (unless you are a Manchester United fan). Extra time, a last minute penalty and sending off, a missed last minute penalty, and then the penalty shoot out. I was already tired going to work as I did not have a lot of sleep when I was off, but felt more knackered in the morning (early morning 7am start) as I never sleep properly at work anyway. I was looking forward to going home at 2pm, put it that way. Sadly I have not had any sleep since coming back home, although I have watched Germany destroy Argentina and then went and cut the grass. The FPO had been out at a do, but came home early (she was sober - it's a miracle!!) and she then watched Star Trek, so I have been pottering about on the computer during the evening (bliss). I did think about going to see a T.Rex tribute band tonight in Richmond, but it annoys me that they do a second set of 70's stuff which includes the Bay City Rollers. Either do the T.Rex tribute properly, or be a glam band properly, that's what I say. Don't get me started, I'm tired and emotional (maybe the two bottles of Pinot haven't helped).

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oops - wrong hospital

What an idiot I am. I had an appointment yesterday to go and have a chat about my loop recorder which is being fitted next Friday, and have some blood tests before the operation. Foolishly, I did not look at the letter properly, so therefore turned up at the appointed time of 11.15am at the Friarage hospital in Northallerton (where they have done tests in the past), to discover I should have been at South Tees hospital in Middlesbrough (where they are going to do the operation). After some frantic phone calls and re-arrangements, I managed to get my own doctors to do the tests (full blood, SMAC and U's and E's, if I remember correctly). They are then going to get the results and fax them through to South Tees, so I can attend as planned on Friday for the op (if the blood tests are OK). That will teach me not to just to breeze on through life without paying due diligence (or maybe it won't). I had to inform South Tees that I was not bothered about the pre op talk and info, and luckily they accepted that. The worst thing about it was the fact I could have had a day off work to go to South Tees for an hours chat and tests. Damn and double Damn! I missed out on a skive there. To tell the truth, I am quite looking forward to having the loop recorder inserted (steady on, it's only in the chest), and plan to make the most of it while it is in, as it is the size of a memory stick. I can see a lot of knocking, tapping and squeezing it ahead (ooh missus!). More news after Friday!!

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hancock at the georgian

Just got back from the Georgian Theatre in Richmond after watching 'Hancock's finest hour' starring Paul Henry (Benny from crossroads) who was excellent as Hancock (and l have high standards). He actually looked a lot like Hancock and carried off the roll superbly. I was not that bothered (I should say enamoured if l had an education or was middle class) with the other two performers, but it was an enjoyable evening. It was a good performance and l did enjoy it a lot, but l was maybe expecting a bit more from it, so l was slightly disappointed at the end. I was surprised to see young Scall's missus there, and we had a chat at the interval. Rather sadly, she said she has now been a barrister for 12 years. Brilliant stuff, that made me and the FPO feel old. She then went on to talk to her friends about the FPO and myself being on TV, so they therefore wanted to talk to us about the experience. Damn! I was also surprised to discover that young Scall (John) is a trained up solicitor, but is living as a house husband to their kids. What a jammy bastard! I do not want kids, but once they have been packed up to school, surely the day is your own to prat about in/with. Six years the lad has been unemployed! Bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, a very pleasant evening was had. A meal beforehand at the Turf, loads of drink (in homage to Hancock of course), and l was pleasant to the people next to me in the theatre (and wound them up by saying l was at the Sunderland Empire when Sid James died on stage).

Time to listen to the radio shows again (much better than the TV ones). The FPO will have to suffer during the next week or so (more than usual).

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ronnie wood book

I got this yesterday from Oxfam and read it today while l have been off work. What an insane, rock n roll lifestyle the crazy bastard has been living, pretty much all of his life. There are obviously loads of tales off hanging around with dodgy characters, lots of parties, lots of wife swapping hippie sex and spending all of his money as soon as he got it. Obviously, being the bastard son of Keith, l can relate to it all and have indulged myself, but there are plenty of escapades which make you think Ronnie is just a fucking idiot. It's strange reading it with hindsight though, as he has realised at the end of the book how the Stones and his family are so important to him, and he has given up drinking, and his life seems to be sorted. Then there's a divorce on the cards, an affair with a young Russian (l think) girl and back on the drink. Who knows how his life will pan out, but at least he has definitely had a great time with a lot of kindred spirits (although also upsetting people he was close to). Rock and Roll eh. It's not easy.

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damn! a new job and proper work

Damn! It's finally happened!

I had my (bloody long) interview today for a promotion at work, and I was successful. That should be good news but it now means l will probably have to work harder and take the job more seriously from now on.

I start tomorrow (the 1st of July) and am boss of Catterick Village and Richmond (Damn again!). There goes my easy life.

At least I get a new phone out of it and can decide what hours I want to work, but that's about the end of the good news.

I know I will be getting extra money, but I am not even that bothered about that (although it will be appreciated and spent unwisely).

Now I have to get rid of all the workers and get my own troops in, who will obey my every whim and instructions without question.

I think the power has gone to my head already.

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sign villa, ronaldo is greedy (shock news)

I have just finished watching the recording of Spain v Portugal, and a although it was not exactly a feast of football, I wish Manchester United had made more of an effort (if they have the money nowadays) to sign David Villa - he is class. Never mind, Javier Hernandez from the Mexico team has looked impressive, and he has already signed. On another note, much as l loved what Ronaldo did for Manchester United, l could never take to him, as l always though he was more concerned about himself, rather than the team. This World Cup he has confirmed it, shooting from way out on numerous occasions when there was a better option to pass. Obviously when he played for United, l would defend anything he did (even the Rooney sending off and wink), but now l feel no such obligation. When United had Ruud Van Nistelroy, you knew he was greedy and wanted to score goals, but always felt he was still doing it for the team, not himself, hence he is still loved. Ronaldo divided supporters even when he played for United. They should have signed me when l was in my prime, a United fan and brilliant. What more could they want? Ah well, bedtime l suppose (even though it is now very bright outside). Maybe in another universe (maybe a parallel one like the many-worlds interpretation (MWI) Hugh Everett expounds) l am the brother of Keith Richards.

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iconic rolling stones

To carry on from an earlier thread, the above picture is not really iconic, as it has hardly been seen, but to me it just sums up how great it must have been for the Stones at the time, Keith was elegantly wasted, Mick was still cool, and the songs and performances were still great (don't get me started on the Rolling Stones bootlegs from that time and shortly after). Look at the lack of security for a start. It was a different age then, sex, drugs and Rock and Roll, but without the tabloids breathing down your neck (luckily for Led Zeppelin). How come l was not born into some kind of harem with Keith, Marc Bolan and Francis Rossi? Once again, l blame God and my parents. Bastards.

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iconic rock star images

I was on a website the other day when people were discussing their favourite iconic musical shots (I know, l am very, very sad), but it got me thinking about the images l like the best (oh oh!). These are three of my favourites, but l do have so, so many more. One day l will try to live a normal life, rather than thinking of what is cool or 'Rock and Roll'. It may take some time though.

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bbc footie dylan rip off

I must admit, this is pretty good.

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once again, ingerland are shite

What can l say? Even after expecting Ingerland to be shite in every tournament, they still surprise me and produce even worse displays than the last time. At least me and the FPO had a good day out around White Shops, watching the game in the Wine Bar, then getting drunk at JT's afterwards. We kept going to go home, but kept bumping into people we had not seen for a while (great excuse) and ended up staying out later. There's a picture above to remind me of the good old days, but l can't see it being repeated in the near future. I don't care that much about Ingerland being knocked out, as l thought that would probably happen in the next game anyway, it's just the way it is always so lifeless and shitty. If they had a good go and fucked it all up, fair enough, but this tournament (watching Ingerland) has been shit (again). Thank God I support the glorious Manchester United (who are much better to watch and l care more about). Another bad thing about the World Cups is the fact Manchester United players end up being the scapegoats. This year it's Rooney (and Evra for France). Time to welcome them back to the bosom that is Old Trafford and United.

Nearly forgot, now it's a good time to enjoy the footie without the press overdrive saying Ingerland might win (have they got no memories?). I still have £5 each on Germany and Holland, so l would like them to meet in the final.

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ingerland expects (again)

I am just about to hit JT's to watch the footie with the FPO, so l thought l would put up this old favourite.

My prediction is that the game will be close and probably go to penalties (yet again). I would not be surprised if Ingerland scrape through (again) and then get knocked out in the Quarter finals (again). It's an excuse for a good day out for all the family (although Nozzer is being left at home) day.

I have already got a £5 bet on Germany to win the World Cup (and another £5 on Holland), so l won't be that gutted if Germany win. Let's face it, lngerland are just not that good.

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fabio is not happy

This is from Spanish TV, showing Capello on the touchline (with subtitles). Just watch him boss Psycho about near the end. Priceless!

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atlantis space shuttle

We have take off! What a great photo.

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lady ga ga

MEN are still really trying to find the constantly-naked Lady Gaga attractive, it emerged last night. The telephone hat does actually help a little bit In recent weeks, the American singer-attention seeker's ubiquitous breasts and buttocks have been causing increasing tension among British men, many of whom are struggling to understand why they do not find them even remotely arousing. Man Tom Logan said: "They are perfectly good, female human breasts and buttocks. Normally that combo alone, even if grafted onto a toad's back, would be sufficient to heat my juice. "Plus in her new video she wanks a marmoset while dressed as a kind of fetish combine harvester, or something. "And yet... and yet, try as I might, I simply cannot muster any sexual enthusiasm for La Gaga. It's weird, it's not like I'm sophisticated enough to be deterred by her intensely irritating personality or the fact that she has the aspect of a young Pauline Fowler." Teacher Norman Steele said: "I'm a bit of a pervert and also a keen amateur oceanologist, so Gaga – a dirty girl who frequently dresses like a crustacean – should be right up my staircase. "Yet somehow I can't even crack a semi over her, it's most perplexing. Am I on the turn?" From the Daily Mash - so true. toodle pip