Sunday, 31 January 2010

up the arse - 3-1 away

Another magnificent win by the wonderful boys in black. Arsenal had some chances, but United should have scored more and dominated most of the game.
Nani was superb in the first half of the game, and has had the best week of his United career. Another sweet result in a sweet week to be a United fan.
Who needs Vidic and Rio? (only joking, I hope Vidic stays at United).
Let's hope Arsenal batter Chelsea next week, and United don't relax too much against Portsmouth.
Bring on Milan!
toodle pip

Saturday, 30 January 2010

haiti on facebook

This is doing the rounds on Facebook at the moment. I was only saying to the FPO last night that most people are pretty racist deep down.
I definitely know some of my works colleagues would agree with this and send it on

"Shame on you ENGLAND!!!!!! The only country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed without eating, elderly going without needed meds, mentally Ill without treatment and British servicemen and women fighting without the best kit - yet we donate £50 million to the people of Haiti...
99% of people won't have the guts to copy and re post this"

toodle pip

Aphex Twin - Come to Daddy [HQ]

Hadn't seen this for ages - rocking (and creepy)

money money money and drummy

I can't believe how much money has just slipped through my poor little hands today, and I have been at work for most of it!
Had to pay the paper bill for one thing, 12 weeks worth, although that was only for the Observer every Sunday. Guess the cost though - £26.40!! Then there was my lottery bonus ball at the pub, ink for the printer, money for Mowgli's cremation, the lottery at work, money I owed Ritchie from Monday, Hayley's birthday money (birthday was today), etc etc...
And I am still sober! Called in the Wine bar to drop off my lottery money and never even had a pint, even though my sister was in there (amongst others).
Whaaatttt the Hell is going on?
Also, nearly forgot. Got a phone call from my sister last night to say Drummy from Gateshead had died. The autopsy was today apparently, but the word at the moment, is it was a blood clot related to him doing his ankle in over Christmas (he spent Christmas day in hospital). She was a bit upset as she had been with him the night he did his ankle in, and saw him for a bit (so to speak).
That is bound to cheer her up.
toodle pip

Friday, 29 January 2010

kill your friends and moses roper

I finished both of these books today, and enjoyed them, but in completely different ways.
The Moses Roper one is exactly what it says on the cover, it's a narrative of his escape to freedom from Carolina, USA, in the 1830s, and boy, didn't it take some escaping (coupled with lots and lots of lashings).
It certainly makes you remember how cushy our lives are and how it was not that long ago when all this happened (the slave trade and mistreatment of the slaves).
Then again, our lives are no-where near as cushy as the life depicted in Kill Your Friends.
This is about a record company A and R man (Steven Stelfox), who has a well paid job, doing hardly any work, but sails along with nothing to guide him except for cocaine, prostitutes and drink. Nice job if you can get it.
The trouble is, he starts to fall apart, and murders ensure. A really dark and funny book, which pulls apart the record industry, gives lots of names for coke, and is based around the advent of Brit Pop (mentioning real people).
You would not like to have been in Moses Ropers shoes, but Steven Stelfox? Certainly would have been good for a lot of it (I won't say which bits).
toodle pip

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

megan and mowgli

Another fine day today. I was at work earlier on and took someone to Megan’s funeral at St Annes in the Village. There were quite a few people there as she was 82 and a lot of people in Catterick Village knew her. It was a bit strange though, as she only had one daughter, and she spoke during the service about trying to be friends with her mother and not succeeding.
I only knew Megan as a nice old lady in the Village, but it was clear that she could be hard on people as well as caring and generous.
I took B up to the front for wine and bread, but had to be extra careful as we had to walk past the coffin which was raised up on a flimsy looking platform, so there was a chance B might have knocked it off. That would have been something to see, but luckily for me (and everybody else), everything was OK.
Also went to get the remains of Mowgli today, as he had come back from the crematorium (not by his own steam of course). Got presented with a paper bag with a box inside, but upon opening the box, discovered a smaller green container with the ashes in, plus a card. It also had Mowgli’s name on it which was a really thoughtful thing for them to do, so top marks to them. Looks like that is where Jacko will be going when he pops it (or beforehand if I keep finding puke).
Not sure where to store Mowgli at the moment, but as long as the box does not get knocked so the ashes spill out, I don’t really mind.
Nozzer might get stuffed.
Toodle pip

3-1 against ciddy

Another great night of football from the wonderful Manchester United. At long last they are starting to play better, and should have scored another couple of goals to clinch it earlier, but what the hell, victory is soooo sweet.
I am not even that bothered about City normally, but there is no way I wanted United to lose this one. In fact I don't even care that much if we lose the final against Villa (although naturally,I would rather we won it). This was more important by miles. Fantastic result.
Bring on the Arse on Sunday.
Football, it's great!

toodle pip

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

my trusty steed

Due to the sad demise of my car, I have been cycling to work each day, and I am either getting faster or my clock at home needs looking at (probably the clock). I cycled in today, only to find I was ten minutes early for work. That, trust me, is the last thing I want to be doing, so I shall be setting of later on Thursday. I would rather be late than early, I am not mad, and my time is precious (I am not getting any younger).
Now I just have to make sure I avoid any dog shit.
toodle pip

Monday, 25 January 2010

nicolas cave

Nicolas Cage's "epic spending spree" in 2007, by his investment adviser: three homes costing $33m plus; 22 cars, including nine Rolls Royces; 12 pieces of expensive jewellery and 47 pieces of artwork.

How rich and how bored must he have been. Talk about keeping yourself busy. There is no way he could have enjoyed all of them, he needs to get himself a proper hobby (which I suppose he has, buying lots of stuff).
No wonder he dosn't do lots of films.
toodle pip

should go to bed

This is like me. I have just spent about two hours looking at nothing in particular, just pottering about. I should really go to bed as I will be woken up at about 7.30am. No wonder I am knackered. Trouble is, so much stuff is out there on the net, and I am just soooo curious!
toodle pip

Sunday, 24 January 2010

edna and damage

Had a good time with Robbo and Kerry in the Boro at the weekend, Joe Rigatoni's on Friday night and the Cross Keys on Saturday. They told me that Damage had died (a lad from the Boro that we knew). I wasn't really surprised, in fact they said "Have you heard about Damage?", to which I replied "Is he dead?".
We also talked about how time is flying by. It is 11 years nearly, since that glorious night that Manchester United won the treble in 1999. We are certainly not getting any younger, but could all do with having loads more money to live life to the full before dying (lots more travel etc).
It is also a year since Edna died. That also does not seem that long ago, but the programme of service above confirms the dates.
Wonder how many more will be going this year. I can't believe Rab and Joe F have long left, but I have thought that for a while. They will probably both outlive me. Gits.
toodle pip

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Nolan's Cheddar

Probably the best advert I have ever seen

Friday, 22 January 2010

look at me!

As I am off work again (no work till Tuesday afternoon!), It is back to watching films, listening to music, and reading.
I have been lying in bed reading Giles Smith’s ‘Lost in Music’ which was good, and resonated with me during some of the chapters (Marc Bolan, The Faces), but overall, I was not that bothered about it, although I was glad I had read it.
On the other hand, Dom Joly’s book ‘Look at Me, Look at Me’ was surreal and hilarious in places. Had a few passages where I laughed out loud (old school writing - not LOL), and I was glad I was not reading it on a bus or train.
It is meant to be his autobiography, but although it is based on facts, it careers off into wild tangents in the unlikeliest of places, when you are least expecting it to do so.
I will have to invest in some more of his stuff if it is similar.
Ah well, back to the dossing about!

Toodle pip

waltz with bashir

What a fantastic film this was. It's a documentary, but done with animation. Watched it a couple of nights ago on Sky+, deleted it by accident and am now going to have to buy the DVD as I want to see it again (and own it, like the sad hoarder I am).

Never heard of it before, don't know how, as it's just the sort of thing I go for.
More information about it here :

toodle pip

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

return of the poo EXPLICIT PICTURES!!!!!

Look what happened to me just before going to bed last night! I felt as though I needed to go to the loo and then all my bowels fell out. I sat reading on the loo for about 30 minutes and just kept pooing and pooing, every few minutes. The stench was unbelievable. The wallpaper was peeling off the walls and the cat was too scared to come upstairs. I could see the toilet roll trying to shrivel up and get out of sight, in the hope of avoiding it. The floorboards were curling up at the edges. I had tears in my eyes as the mist nearly overpowered me.
In the end it was the consistency of water again, just like last Friday, and after the half hour I did not believe there was any poo left in me. I was two stone lighter and possessed a sore bum again. It was the most poo I have ever done in one sitting - ever! It does not look like a lot in the top photo, but believe me matey boys, that is one hell of a full toilet!
It is even more than the green poo I did in New York a few years ago. At the time I thought that was a lot to discharge in one sitting (and it was), but this easily surpassed it. The green poo was fascinating, but this was just constant, again and again. Maybe somebody is trying to poison me. The smell of the poo certainly was.
After getting cleaned up, leaving the loo and securing the loo door to trap the smell, I thought Hurrah!! It's all over and I can now relax.
How wrong I was.
I needed to go again 15 minutes later and produced more (the picture with less in). One quick evacuation but no more.
Thankfully I did not poo the bed afterwards, and I have not continued pooing, although I am still not feeling 100% right.
I have not had to take any more Imodium (at the moment), so it will be interesting to see how it progresses.
As I am at work again at the moment, I can't afford any mishaps, so I shall be sleeping with one eye open tonight, and hopefully that is all that will be open during the night.
toodle pip

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

carling cup semi final first leg

Bloody football.
What is happening with Manchester United? Just lost to Ciddy 2-1 at their council ground, with Tevez (of course) scoring both of their goals.
At least United dominated most of the game and played better than they have been doing. Looking good at 1-0 up till that wanker Mike Dean gave them a penalty, when it should have been a free kick outside the box for shirt pulling by Rafael.
That got them back into it, they played better at the start of the second half and we never took our chances.
Still, beat Hull on Saturday and we may go top of the league!
God knows how with some of the football that has been played this year.
We have a lot of improving to do before the Milan games in the Champions League. Let's hope Rio and Vidic are back soon (and Rio plays better than he did before getting injured).
toodle pip

Monday, 18 January 2010

thrust that chicken and rear that goose

This is from a lexicon dating from the 17th century, listing the correct terms for carving meat.

To Carve, is to Cut up a Dish of Meat, but according to the Meats, use these Terms for their Carving

Break that Deer.
Leach that Brawn.
Unlace that Coney.
Chine that Salmon.
String that Lamprey.
Splat that Pike.
Sauce that Plaice and Tench.
Splay that Bream.
Side that Haddock.
Tusk that Barbell.
Culpon that Trout.
Fin that Chevin.
Transon the Eel.
Tranch that Strgeon.
Tire that Egg.
Undertranch that Purpus.
Tame that Crab.
Barb that Lobster.
Dight that Crevis.
Rear that Goose.
Lift that Swan.
Sauce that Capon.
Spoil that Hen.
Frust that Chicken.
Unbrace that Duck or Mallard.
Dismember that Hern.
Display that Crane.
Disfigure that Peacock.
Unjoynt that Bittern.
Untach that Curlew, and Brew.
Allay that Pheasant.
Wing that Patridge, and Quail.
Mince that Plover.
Thigh that Pigeon, and Woodcock.
Cut up that Turky and Bustard.
Break that Teal or Sarcel.

toodle pip

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Voice Band for the iPhone

Fucking brilliant!
At last I can unleash my songs to the world without interferance!

everythings back to normal

The panic is over and the country (and my poor arse) can rest in peace. The pooing has stopped, as the Imodium has worked its magic. Nothing has passed my bottom since about 2pm yesterday and I am feeling fine. Not sure how fine I will feel once it wears off, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Listen out for the screams howling into the night, with the echo of the toilet to give it extra substinance, it will be me.
As things are back to normal , Nozzer has got a swollen cheek again, which means it's squeezing out the gunk and squirting liquid into the gap time. Nice.
He's fine and perky though, jumping up on the settee a lot and demanding attention. It's also a game of Russian Roulette when he scrabbles and bites your T shirt, as he gets carried away and bites your nipple. Pleasant at first, but now getting sore (but not as sore as my arse was).
toodle pip

Saturday, 16 January 2010

poo update

Good news and bad news.
On the bad news front, the poos are still happening. I have had four today already. It's amazing, I am surprised there is anything left inside me. Don't get me wrong, I am a man who enjoys a good poo, and sometimes have two or three a day if I have drunk a lot/had a curry etc, but this is ridiculous.
I have now got some Imodium though, had two at 12.30pm and another one a few minutes ago (after another crap). Hopefully that will be the end of it.
I am at work again at 3pm so I shall see how it goes tonight, as I am on sleepover again. Hope I don't shit the bed at work, that would be sooooooo embarrassing!
On the good news front, as wished for on Thursday night, it has been raining and the snow has nearly gone. Hurrah!!
It wouldn't be so bad if my bloody car was still working, but I have to find other forms of transport at the moment. Roll on the summer.
toodle pip

Friday, 15 January 2010

pooing like the devil himself

Christ on a shitty bike. What a day I have had!
I was at work and slept over, and even went to bed at a sensible time (11.30pm) as I was tired. Woke up for a few minutes at 4am, then 6am, and finally when the alarm went off at 7am.
Had a little fart just before getting up but lo and behold, I followed through a little bit in the process, nearly shitting the bed! Oops a daisy, off to the loo for a very watery poo and a clean up.
Got myself ready for work and felt OK, but before leaving at 2pm, I had about three more watery poos. Not a good sign by anyones standards.
Called in the pub for a larger on the way home and had another poo there. Walked back from the pub, had a poo again and decided to have some more sleep as I still felt tired.
Went back to bed at 3.30pm and stayed there till 8.30pm.
Did not feel hungry but I continued with the rather explosive watery poos till now, just before going to bed again for an early night (it's now 11.30pm).
My arse is red raw and I have not eaten since I had a sandwich at work about 12.30pm.
There's no Imodium to be found anywhere in the house ( Lord knows I have looked), so I have just had to suffer, maybe I have already entered the first stage of Hell.
Hope it's better in the morning!
toodle pip

Thursday, 14 January 2010

bloody snow

Rather sadly I am now back at work, not really slaving away but at least I am attending.
Still have not cycled to work (did I mention that my car is now scrapped?) as the weather has been so crap. We had more snow last night, and even though it is not too deep, it still prevents me cycling or walking far. It's been good for the taxi's so far, as that is what I have been using.
Wait till it all clears I say, there will be no stopping me on the old pushbike (apart from maybe a heart attack).
At least Tubbs had a run round the garden today before I left for work. Still putting rat poison down at night when he is locked away, but the buggers never touched it last night, even though I could see some little ratty footprints in the snow. Never had any coke left to mix with it, I will have to purchase some more as they love it with that.
Meanwhile...I have however, just had a shower (IT'S CHRIIISSSTMAAASS!!!) and am going to read for a little bit before having an early night. I may make a start on "I am Legend" which I got for Christmas. It must be better than "The Omega Man" film which was based on it (with Charlton Heston). Will Smith's version "I am Legend" was much better,so we'll see.
I still haven't been down to Leeds yet to see my brother, as I have either been working or the weather has been too bad. Going to have to go soon though, or he'll start getting paranoid.
Let's hope it pisses down tonight and gets rid of the snow (unlikely I know), that would help matters. It was good to have it for the hols but it has overstayed it's welcome.
Bring on Summertime!
toodle pip

still off work

Yet another fab day of dossing about. Been listening to a load of Rolling Stones bootlegs (sad eh?) and reading. Haven't been downstairs hardly except to do the washing up, tidy up and make tea (drinks and food). Christ I must have finally been trained (or the drugs have kicked in at last).
Bliss bliss bliss. Pity it's back to work soon.
Suppose I had better get myself to bed to prepare for it. Damn!
toodle pip

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

Vanishing Point · 1971 -Trailer-

this is a great trailer for one of my favorite films. Makes me want to watch it again. Now.

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

off work

What a splendid day today. No work (which is always great) and as I have no car at the moment, I stayed in, read, dossed about and listened to music, watched TV and had a soak in the bath (Lord knows I needed that).
Enjoying Nurse Jackie at the moment, a new USA series which was good straight away and getting better. Not so keen on Wallender (UK version) though. A lot of the plot is just crap. Might have to invest in the box set Swedish version, as the one of them I saw was miles better.
I was a bit pissed off as I am waiting for a parcel containing blank cds, which I was expecting today, as I rang the post office this morning to ask them to deliver them (they tried to yesterday, but they needed signing for). I couldn't get back to sleep properly this morning as I was worried I might not hear the postie knocking (I sleep with ipod earplugs in).
What got delivered? Nothing!
I phoned again and left an irate message on their answer phone, so hopefully they will arrive tomorrow/today.
No work till 3pm on Wednesday, so I am making the most of it. Not even been out to the pub.
I must be going giddy.
toodle pip

Monday, 11 January 2010

moses roper and aswad

I used to live daahhnn south, by Wallingford in Oxfordshire. I have just read about Moses Roper (c. 1815 – 15 April 1891), who got himself an education at Wallingford after coming to England.
He was a mulatto slave who wrote one of the major early books about life as a slave (Narrative of the Adventures and Escape of Moses Roper from American Slavery).It is a book I shall read soon, as the bits I have read are outrageous.
Also discovered Jerome K Jerome was buried in Ewelme, a small place nearby who I used to play football for. Damn!
Next time I am down there I shall visit his grave. Three men in a boat is one of my favorite books. Way ahead of its time and I have been to a lot of the places mentioned in it (before I read it).
History - It's great!
"Without a knowledge of history, you're like a vegetable in this society" Aswad (Live at the Counterculture revolution).
toodle pip

Sunday, 10 January 2010

alan davis is a racist - shoot him

So, the Togolese team have been attacked in Angola. Alan Davies (who I do not find funny in any way, shape or form), said on Five Live, "Didier Drogba is claiming to be the first to be hit by a bullet".
I understand that Drogba is a diving, whinging bastard, who should be shot (that's not racist, just nasty), but Davis has just lumped him in with the Togolese team because he is the same (kind of) colour.
You know which one..........yes..........that's
This gag, which is not even that funny, is racist.
If Bernard Manning had come out with that sort of cheap shit years ago, everyone would have had a go at him.
Let's shoot Alan Davis.

Saturday, 9 January 2010

High Society - Well, Did You Evah?

Class stuff this - they don't make them like these boys anymore
toodle pip

Thursday, 7 January 2010

mowgli has ceased to be

Unfortunately, Mowgli took a turn for the worse again today and had stopped eating. He also was not weeing, even though his bladder was full, so it was decided it was best to put him to sleep now, rather than waiting and dragging it out.
Took him to the vets this evening and of course he perked up for a few minutes, just to make us feel bad and doubt if we were doing the right thing. Git.
Went ahead with it and it was very peaceful for the old boy. Got him sedated first and then put to sleep, so he didn't struggle or anything. Mind you, when he was sedated, his legs were twitching a bit as though he was back to chasing rabbits again. Most running he had done for a long, long time.
He has now gone off to be cremated at Thirsk, and we are going to keep his ashes afterwards.
Something different to show guests I suppose.
Pretty emotional evening, but at least he is not in any pain now and he didn't suffer.
Going to miss the old boy, even though he was a bit stinky at the end.
Been threatening Jack that he (I know.. it's a she!) will be next on the list if he keeps weeing in Nozzers cage. Got to keep him on his best behaviour.
Nozzer has become more affectionate and started biting me (or maybe he is trying to kill me). Don't know if it's related.
Bloody animals, see what happens when you give them love and affection.

Toodle pip

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

work and mowgli

Damn! Still at work and having to adjust to being back (not that work is difficult or anything).
Holidays seem a long long time ago, even though I only got back from the last one on 6th November, about two months ago. It feels like a lifetime, and I suppose in a way it is, as one of the people I went with has since died (only a week after the holiday).

Picture of Morocco at the top, only took it about 9 weeks ago and I wish I was still there.

Since dying is now on my mind as well as holidays, a Mowgli update.

He’s been back to the vets and had another injection of antibiotics, but he is only days away from the great kitty litter in the sky.
It seemed as though the vet thought he should have been put down today, but if he does not die at home, he’ll be back to the vets next week for a different injection.

Might see if Jack can be done at the same time in a 2 for 1 deal.
toodle pip

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

new year

"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to." ~ P.J. O'Rourke

christmas is over

Well, Christmas is over, I am full of cheese and pickled onions, and l am back to work tomorrow. Damn and double damn!!
Had a good time though, up to Boro to see Robbo and Kerry for Christmas Eve. We all went out for a meal at the Cross Keys then back to their house and stayed the night.
The next day it was off to the FPO's family house in Stockton and then we stayed at Darren and Louise's house, also in Stockton. Back home to open pressies on Boxing Day.
Myself and the FPO met Robbo and Kerry for a meal at the Farmers Arms in Scorton on the 28th and we all went to the Wine bar for a short while afterwards (which was nice!).
Had Rook and Deb round for New Years Eve, back in wintry old Catterick, then everyone went to the Friars head at Aykbar for New Years Day lunch. Party back at ours (with fireworks set of), then everyone buggered off and left us alone.
Peace at last.
Apart from........
Mowgli has not been well and has truly lost his marbles. he has pissed on our front door mat, followed us round meowing, sat staring at the radiator for ages, gone pretty death (and blind), and has had gunk coming out of his eyes. Plus an Abscess in his mouth, stinking all the time and sticking his chin out like Jimmy Hill.
The vets have given him an antibiotic injection to see if that helps, but it was a surprise he even came back from the vets today. He definitely won't be celebrating next Christmas, that's for sure, even though we have thought that for the last few years.
Although he is on his last legs (maybe days), it will still be sad when he goes. I will have no-one else to blame the stink on for one thing. Jack will just have to take on those responsibilities.
Back to the vets for him on Wednesday, just seeing what he's like till then.
toodle pip